Dear Diary, can I call myself insecure? Definitely. And now I don’t even know how to fix it, because it seems to me that only seeing a psychologist could really help. I know there are many complicated reasons behind this. I think I’ve been shy and overly sensitive since childhood. Mum used to say I was always “quieter than water, lower than grass”. I spent a huge part of my childhood alone.
My mum worked hard physically just to have some money, so that’s how it turned out. I remember being left alone in the house, and she brought me a rabbit so I wouldn’t be too bored. As soon as everyone left, he ran away and hid under the bed. She also brought me chickens, which I loved most as a child. And they loved me too, because they ran after me as if I were their mother. I still love chickens and hens, and animals in general.
I didn’t go to kindergarten because the nearest one was in a neighbouring village, and getting me there would have been very difficult. It’s not that I don’t have friends — but that’s another story.
In any case, I grew up as a very quiet and calm child. And I was incredibly sensitive. Any bad or negative word said to me or to my mum would make me cry. Then came another stage of my life — school. I remember my first day in the preparatory class. That’s where I had my first conflict, which decided everything. The teacher asked us to name the numbers from one to ten. I named them from one to five, and I don’t know why I stopped. One of my future classmates shouted out the numbers from one to ten and threw some insulting phrase at me. From that moment on, my status in the class was “the outcast”.
Then there was bullying. I would start crying very easily because of words or actions and didn't anything back. Those were fucked-up times, and I don’t want to describe them anymore. In any case, my second school became my second home, even though I was there only for the last two years before graduation.
In general, I don’t know how to overcome my self-doubt. Sometimes it’s higher, sometimes it drops right to the bottom. My social anxiety is high and prevents me from being myself. I never know how to behave around people. I usually adapt and mirror what they do. Now I have friends with whom I don’t have to think about whether something is appropriate -- I can just be random.
I feel uncomfortable at university. But I like studying. I love maths and programming. And my primary school maths teacher can go to hell. It’s a shame that complete moron is still teaching. Because of him and my class, I became afraid of maths and thought I was extremely stupid. Now I’m studying on a government-funded place, and I’m the only one from my first school class who got into university. I don’t want to be arrogant, because everyone has their own path and their own way. But suck it, bitches.
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