I guess its still really hard to unlearn how not to be defensive.
Growing up when my number 1 hater and doubter was (and is) my very own mother, it gets to a point where i constantly try and want to prove myself. Where in elementary i was conditioned to think friendship = me abiding to their wants & needs. Even if it meant i get to go hungry during lunch because i gave them my money.
By default, i grew up trying, wanting to be a good person. I try and do the good things. So my mom doesnt have anything bad to say about me, so that i can have friends and keep them happy. But what i also learned during this is that not all people hold the best intentions of you. I see and treat someone as theyre my bestfriend, but they dont see me that way. I get purposely excluded to things. I do things out of good intentions yet somehow other people will use it against me. And thus places a big doubt over all the relationships i made henceforth. "If i stop being nice, maybe he wont love me anymore" "did i not know about this because they find me annoying and they made a separate gc without me in it?" "I tried to do the right thing but they dont see it that way". All those are hard pills to swallow for me. Heck, maybe the only way itll get in my system is for someone to directly inject it in my veins. Because i know i try. I try everyday. I try to fit in. I try to be loved. I try to be understood. I try to be good. And it frustrates me because somehow no matter how hard i try, it will never be enough. I wont be seen as the "best friend" the way i see my bestfriend. There had been relationships where it was almost transactional; he gives me love and loyalty and i give him my body anytime he wants (even when i didnt want to). I still spend my last penny just to keep a friend, because maybe they wouldnt want to be anymore if i declined.
I have tried to outgrow them, i have tried to learn from them. And in someways maybe i did. When i stopped being friends with someone because i wouldnt do what they wanted me to do. When i stopped being friends with someone because i saw how they only take advantage of my friendship, and whenever i needed her most she's to no avail. When i broke up with the guy that didnt even do the bare minimum for me. But certain friendships, certain relationships, i just cant reason for. I still feel guilty. I still feel hurt. I still feel frustrated. Because thats how much i value them. So much so, im willing to be uncomfortable, and do the right thing just to hash things out. But if my efforts were to no avail, id just break. Because it hurts. And my mind goes racing again with past events in my life that could be the possibility to my present. Dont they see me the way i see them? Do they talk badly about me behind my back? Do they "team up" with someone that doesnt like me and turns out they were never my friend afterall.
I get dressed back in a striped blouse and skirt, in black shoes with crew socks, and shrink back down to who i was in elementary school. Pitiful, insecure, a nobody. Nobody that somehow everybody disliked. A nobody that was somehow purposely excluded in class events. A nobody ganged up on to be bullied. And i cant fight back. Not because i dont know how. But because im scared that if i do, im left with no one. And thats what makes it frustrating. Because i know i gave my all. I know i did my best. I know i tried. Yet sadly, it will never be enough.