Dear Diary,
Yesterday was Friday, and I went to a rave in a leftist community house in the city centre. N and I were predrinking at my place, and brought a bottle to share with Y in the waiting line. Standing right before the entrance, I realized I got fucked up. See, the thing is, it was a shitty week. Yesterday at work, I had a meltdown, which resulted in me snapping out at him, cancelling plans with the girls, crying the rest of the day, failing a job interview, calling my mom to vent that everything is not going as planned, and receiving a text from him apologizing and asking what he could do to make the situation better somehow.
But today, today I came into the office, changed some export settings, and it all worked. Like, really?? My mood shifted immediately. I could stay home that night and relax, but there was a rave, and both of my gorgeous, fun girlfriends wanted to go. Yolo. I called them and said, "Sorry, had to be dramatic for a sec, let's do this tonight though?". And then we were standing in the waiting line for the rave, killing the second bottle of wine really fast. I was s-o drunk. Like, both N and Y said they've never seen me like that. And I don't know what it was, the week, the success today, the late situation development with him, or the fact that I looked irresistibly hot that night, or all together, but I was the brave kind of drunk.
First, I sent a mean drunk text to him (it was half past 12). Then I proceeded to describe to my friends how much is it that I love them (lots and lots of adjectives). Finally, we came in, and the music was great. At this place it always is, but today it was like way better. The base was deep; you could feel the vibration going from the speakers through the room, through everyone, through your soul, yet it wasn't too loud. So we danced. I was wearing a black top, micro shorts over a pair of black see-through tights, my black heeled boots (which made me like one of the tallest 3-4 women in the room), and giant hoop earrings. I put my hair in a high pony-tail, and a shiny chain with small black stones around my waist. I was hot, and I was locked in.
The girls were having fun too.
After a while, I started noticing that a girl dancing in front of me was kind of turning more and more in my direction with each song. She was dressed all black, and had a short, bolond french bob. She was thin and somewhat shorter than me. I smiled at her, and after a couple of songs, we were really dancing with each other. She leaned over and screamed into my ear:
- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- A. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- H.
- YOU DANCE LIKE REALLY CUTE.
- THANKS!
- Do you like how I dance? - My voice got deeper and quieter as much as the music allowed it.
- No - she couldn't even keep a straight face while looking up at me.
I thought, how hard can it be? Men do it. What's the worst that can happen anyway?
- H?
- Yeah?
- Can I kiss you?
- Yes.
I slowly put my right hand on her shoulder and my left hand in her soft, shiny hair behind her ear. She put her hands on my waist. And I. KISSED. HER.
Now. I know it might not sound like a big of a deal. People go to parties, they get fucked up, and they make out with strangers on the dance floor. And it's not like I never kissed women before. But these sorts of things happened more privatly for me till now. Like, among girlfriends our in a very small circle, never in a room with like a hundred other people? And it was never so... electric? And so confident?
Growing up, as a woman, one of the first things you're taught is to take up less space. If you're loud, calm down. You don't want people to think you're too emotional. Loud women aren't attractive to men. And it's wiser to stay quiet anyway. If you're tall, you probably shouldn't wear heels around others if they aren't wearing any. And even then, it's probably safer to go with just a small one. And make sure to find a man who is taller than you. So you can look up at him, that's so cute. Oh, you're queer? Then if you're the taller one, you're probably "the man" between you two. If you're going out, make sure to dress and do your makeup according to the male gaze. Like so, you're beautiful, but don't stand out. Nobody likes attention seekers. But also stand out so that at least one guy will notice you. "No makeup" makeup. Short skirt, but not too short.
And that was the point last night. There are so many rules to follow. Not only was I not following any, but I was making my own.