Dear Diary,
Betrayed by what I thought was love of my life
It’s a process… I’m a smart woman and got tricked… everyone got tricked. No one can believe it…This is the type of person he is
I’m not sure I’ll ever recover
It’s now imprinted into my history
It can never ever be erased
He did that to me, himself our kids and our marriage when I gave him my whole heart and a life
I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive this or can move on from ever feeling safe in his presence
He did it repeatedly over and over again
He has always done it. Promised to stop….and didn’t… as now he tells me he didn’t want to and what he wants he gets
He knew he was hurting himself and our family and me and kept doing it anyway. Without a care as long as he gets off over and over again
He will never know my pain however looks to me and all he sees is his guilty and shame as i am holding the mirror and all he can see is the monster he is..
Everything I thought about us and what people thought of us as a couple is shattered as he lived a secret life… doing his thing exploring and toggling and poisoning his mind
The man I see in front of me.. clean from porn and masterbation for 2 months
Is not who I love. I am disturbed, I feel gross around him. He’s still in denial.. he is dangerous… The most unattractive thing about him is he is a liar and created himself a monster
Or was he born this way?
As he tells me stories from when he was a kid..
Everything is sexual
I don’t want him near me.i know too much and it’s overwhelming…
The first woman he masterbated over.. his mother…
Who the hell did I marry.
He is a demon walking the street
He is a predator who likes to hide in the cupboard fucking himself with cucumbers and rubber gloves
Stealing my dirty underwear smelling them while bating himself in the cupboard watching and imagining he was with the cam girls he was watching for 12 hours a day multiple times a day
He remembers their names and can describe everything about what he watched in great detail… it’s his obsession
No hobbies. Not wanting to live life. Telling himself he’s ok when he’s been sitting on the cupboard for 12 hours during the day
His counsellors say he is desensitised to the core
How can I share a bed with that
I’m desperate, I am disturbed I cannot share a bed with him …
why am I still here??? I’m Trying to get him well and better to stand on his own 2 feet?? To save my kids from pain… and I don’t want them to carry the Shame or learning who their father really is