When will I finally be rid of this fear?
Is it even fear anymore? It's more like an addiction…if that's what an addiction feels like. Sometimes I feel like I couldn't even exist without this fear, these feelings. Because who am I if I don't have these problems?
I want to live, damn it, I just want to live. I really want to be able to laugh. As soon as I close the door behind me, all these doubts, the hopelessness, and the loneliness crash down on me. I'm pulled under, I can't breathe, and I lack the strength to resurface, because I've resurfaced so many times before, but it always pulls me back into the dark waters.
Nothing changes. Nothing ever has, and I'm fed up. I can't take it anymore, I have no strength left. I'm scared. Damn it, I'm really scared of my future. Of a life that no longer makes sense. I don't even know anymore if I really want children, if I want to pass on this emptiness. How can I love my child when I don't even want to live anymore? How can I give my child the attention they need when I can't even manage the simplest things in life? How am I supposed to do this?
I'm afraid. Even with him by my side, it feels like the darkness is closing in on me. Because I'm trapped again; I can't be free. I love him, I only live thanks to him, but I am stuck in a new cage and I cannot escape it because it would mean I would have to flee without him. How can I go on living without the person who saved me, the person who keeps me alive? It's not a decision I can make, because I have no choice. I'm trapped in the cage I built for myself.
To be free. Is that what I truly want? Or is it a dream I know I'll never reach? Because what does freedom even mean? What if I achieve the dream I've been chasing for so long? What am I still chasing then?
I broke my legs a very long time ago, and they don't seem to be healing. Slowly, I take one step forward each day, but only a small one, because if I go too far, I might reach my dream. My dream…what was it again? Was it freedom…or was it something else? I've been chasing my dream for so long that I don't even know why I'm still running. What am I living for?
Am I even still living? I forget to eat, to drink. I just exist, the days fly by, weeks, months. Hours become seconds. I can't sleep at night because I'm afraid. Afraid that if I sleep at night, the darkness will catch up with me. During the day, exhaustion catches up with me, because that's when I'm truly safe.