December 25, 2025

I hate the other part of months you know, cuz

Ppl who I love and who I thought loved me will always leaves me.

At first I thought it's fine. Atleast I know who's good ppl and bad for me. I deserve better. 

But how long should I be positive?

This time I left someone in. At first he made time. He talked like he always wants me talk to him. He actually listened. Said the same thing: I'll prove not all men are same. I won't be a boy. I'll be a man. At first I didn't cared much. Like i didn't beleived him much. Always in my "he's going to leave someday" thought. So I didn't cared. Didn't wait for his text. I'll come when I want to. Won't ask him anything. But later. When I start to give him after trusting him. He started be like busy. He's actually busy. I liked him being productive. I supported him. Cheer him up. But it later changed like I'm the one always cheer him up in texts. He said: his ultimate effort is come at night and reply to my message and sleep. He'll only come at night. I waited to talk to him but he'll say : I'm tired can we sleep. Good night. I can't say anything. So I let him be. I felt guilty making him to talk to me at late. But he's only coming late. My energy started draining. I fight with him cuz. Told what hurts me in para's. Whatever I say it triggers him. When it triggers him he talks rudely. And when I share the way he's treating me and want him to treat me better. 

He makes me that I'm the one who's wrong. He always let's me sleep in worry. I told him whatever the probelm it is. Finish then and there and go to sleep. I told him I was a overthinker. But he let me sleep nights without solving issues. I cried a lot. He says this is my schedule accept it. This is me. Or it's your decision. I asked him before at first even though you're busy you made time for me. But now you changed. You are so busy to even sent me a single message before disappearing whole day. He said: I was like that in old time cuz I'm at study leave. But now I'm studying...

I tried my best too. I started to not think about him. Not care. But idk. I busied myself. But it's always me giving too much. I thought love was like in movies. But it's a bullshit. It's always me giving too much. We haven't gone for a single date. He hasn't called first. I asked him to call me. But he didn't. Why should I always give? I hate God cuz he always makes me to give the thing that I yearn from others. 

He clearly knows what he does. He said idk how to live someone. I know how to treat a female friend but idk how to treat girlfriend.teach me I will learn he said.

Even though I don't like asking what I want. I told him. What I want. What's my love language. 

For him his love language is fulfilled. I always gives him attention, love, compliments..but for me I asked for his consistency. I'm okay with being busy and all. I admire that. But not being consistent. It's bad. Everything is new for him. Giving time is new for him. Telling before going is new for him. I was patient and gave my energy for him to learn. And i genuinely most time won't expect anything and gave my time and energy. I'm afraid that one day according to his character even having Convo with me in texts would become a task.

One day we had big fight. 

I told him. Don't think this is as blaming you. I'm sharing my thoughts. It's important for me. I don't want fight or hard conversations when I come at one time and u reply at another time. I want us to have conversations when we are together. 

But he's so stubborn that. He insisted you out message I reply when I have time.

I got drained out a lot. By his words. Idk one's feeling can be ignored like this. Idk. Will a boy in love do such thing?

I don't think he loves me. He doesn't love me much to include me in his schedule. That fight prolonged. He said what I'm afraid him of saying: don't make me talking to you is a task he said. That's all. I'm afraid it won't work for us. He gave me an end for me, for my feelings. 

I told him relationships work when 2 ppl want not to give up on each other and work it out together.

If you can't be like that, it's waste. Tomorrow I'll ask you one last time. You tell. 

That night I cried a lot. Cried my heart out in silence. Next day i ordered my fav food . He didn't called but messaged. He told i understood. I didn't include you in my schedule. I can't give you the things you want. You are good girl. I wonder how a girl like this is still single. You are so much patient and lovely. I hope i wanted to be a neutral man in my next life to love you the way you wanted me to live you.

I said: yes I lost my energy too. what i want and what I needed is different i guess. I don't have a say in this.

He said: if it's ok for you, hope you dont block me. I'll always be there for you. Any happy moments or any sad moments I'll always ready to listen. 

I said: no it's fine. Whenever I'm sad I'll put message but what's the point when you reply at time later where i already came out of that sadness by myself. 

Signing off i said. And he did the same.

Another heartbreak in this December.