Dear Diary,
November 8, 2025
Some people might think that I would be too young or too old for this, but, at the end of the day, it really doesn't bother me much. I'm 17. Living my life to the fullest, and yet, I think, I already surpassed my limit- I'm ready to go.
"What the hell were you thinking?", "How can you be so sure of that?", "Touch some grass", "Have you gone crazy? Have you lost your mind?", "It's because you never pray." and "How would you know? You're still young." are the lines my mom threw to me whenever I cry about my struggles to her. It's always a matter of argument and never a situation where a daughter needed a mother.
I already knew my mother hated me at a very young age. She only loved me as a baby. But as I reached 3 years old, I feel resentment towards her. My father was never around, he used to work at a ship and called as a sea fairer, god knows what work he does there, but at least we've been supported financially. Though, he is emotionally absent up until now. I know what kind of father I have. That's why I speak plastic towards him. Maybe he loves me, maybe not. Over the years, our daughter-father relationship has slowly, but fast-paced, turned into dust. It all started when he landed on Australia year 2020, and decided to stay there for good with my uncle. All he had was a working visa, a luggage, and thought for us- or so do we thought.
Year 2021 he did, not quite the unthinkable. He cheated on my mom. His reason was, he just needed to get the 'green card' for him to have better work oppurtunity. I know. Fucked up. My mom was fed, all of his souvenirs that he brought home from different countries were thrown, thank god some of it was just slightly damage, though the glass materials of course, did not survived.
I was 13 back then. I was standing as the 3rd parent for my two brothers who were 12 and 6 as my mom went through depression, and at that moment, my mom healed in a very toxic way. She did not like counseling nor being checked for psychoanalysis, she was afraid to be labeled as 'crazy' by a professional who would've help her. Oh well, it was her choice, if she feel like she wasn't in need of help, she doesn't care, as long as she's physically-healthy looking, it won't budge her. But at that time, I knew something about her will eventually worsen- I was right.
As a child, we grew up in a poor family, me and my brother would always eat rice porridge. Mom gave birth to me at 19, my dad was 25. Pedophilia? I don't know...maybe? quite alarming for me actually but back then, Philippines was a very stupid country, pedophilia was almost, as if, non-existent. Anyways, in order to survive, my dad would always win a basketball league just to feed us with his prize money. I loved that about him, and that's the only thing that will keep me close to my dad. His dedication to feed not only us, but also my grandparents, the whole family, including my uncle, shows that he really did care for us. Might be 'bare minimum' for some of you, but he made the most out of it.
May sound like I'm my dad's defender but, lol, in other cases, yes, but most of it, I'll side you immediately. Well as of my mom, we have a bipolar/love-hate relationship.
I understand my mom, she's very hardworking, she had been through a lots of unresolved trauma and abuse as a child (she's in denial about it and think that it's just right for children to expreience it). I understand that those moments affected her ways of thinking and action towards us. She passed the legacy of "beating your children is another way of saying i love you". Well, she never said sorry. I grew up with her, we've had all the arguments, but she never, even whispered the word "sorry".
Being with her all through these years gave me hypersensitivity and unresolved (assumed mental illness) . They said that I was just a cry baby because my mom loved eating Papayas and watery fruits...hell yeah they were wrong. I grew up having unfair treatment because I looked like my grandma, (Dad's mom) though I didn't care 'cause she loved me more than my mom could. My mom's side of the family, which who I'm closed to, are the ones who gave me multiple insecurities. Growing up as a child, I was made fun of because of how low and almost flat my nose bridge was, how flabby my arms were, and how FAT I was. I was an average-sized kid, I wear medium but it shouldn't fucking matter now, but I was 8 back then. Why the hell would that matter for me? Well hmmm..so I thought. The shame they've put on me had turned into a massive clump of parasite and had already eaten my thoughts about my self. My mom was also very supportive when it comes to making fun of me, thats why my insecurities kept brewing.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. If I were to chose for another mom, I'd pick her, but in a Chilli Heeler from 'Bluey' figure. If she wasn't just as abusive as my dad, then I'll pick them no matter what they offer.
It was hard growing up with them. Me and my brother was abused as a kid, I used to go to school on some days with the bruises still swollen on the parts of my body, blood still peeping out, my hair messed up, and my eyes swollen. I was so shy about it. I never asked for help because, gaslighting and victim-blaming was my mom's favourite hobby. Sometimes I get flogged with a leather buckled belt and a whole ass bamboo stick (the one from a filipino broom) for absolutely no reason, she just think that we need it. At 11, I learned to fight back, I was offended because she was bragging about the abuse she gave us and people would agree with her, she even praised me because I wasn't a loud crier and also that I wasn't hiding behind a pillow. After that, my perspective of her changed. She also changed now, well, she still beats us up but not that frequent unlike when I was young. But, she had gotten worse with words.
As of the year 2022 up until now, our daughter-mother relationship grew in both ways, love and hate. Sometimes I feel like she loves me as her daughter and nothing else, but sometimes its just because I was worth to brag about. All of the abuse back then didn't budge my academic performance, I know, right? How? Well you know, a little gaslighting and my mom's abusive tactics goes along the way- I was also young and uneducated about abuse, still innocent. 2020 pandemic, my grades started to fail. My overly proud mom has turned her back against me, and saw me as this hideous child that you couldn't even say its name. I had all 7s because I was left alone, unguided. My mom thought I could just learn it because she thinks I'm that smart. Well, I gave her the unthinkable 'cause she wouldn't help me. Also, at that early age, I have been feeling a lot of things. My mental health kept getting worse.
Up until now, 2025, it has worsen to the point that I am experiencing bed rot, unmotivation by lack of support, and other unlucky things in my academic performance. I feel thoughtless, blank and numb. The cycle kept going. Every day I go home after school, Not even a "How are you?", just straight up shouting, "Clean this and that, after you get dressed, prepare food for your brother, you never help here, it's just always me, I have a job more tiring than all of you, can y'all get off my fucking back for once? When y'all came home from school, all you do is look at your phones, eat and fucking sleep, I'm fucking tired from all of you, y'all are just adding up to my problems, Lazy ass kids, Look, soon, I'll be leaving y'all and y'all wouldn't hear a thing about it, after that, I don't give a fuck about you kids anymore, I'll only bring your little brother with me, y'all could carry your own backs blah blah blah". And it just kept going...
She never considered what I feel throughout the day, 'cause she thinks school in year 12 is the same as middle school and that I don't help around the house, after all those failing grades in Year 7, she saw me as a hideous burden, and I'm not worth being posted on her social media anymore. All the words that came out of her mouth was my daily unmotivation. "Just don't listen to your mom, or what she says." As if that could've been so easy. She would always see and pinpoint me every time I get home from school, I have a 7-5 schedule, Imagine going home to that, all drenched, no-rest and tired. And not just that, each day, depends on the intensity of how angry she was, is what measures from shallow to worse.
I just wondered if at some point, did my mom ever loved me? As a kid, with all of that abuse, she also had this mother figure, and of course, as a gullible little kid, I felt loved. She used to style my hair, walk me to school, treat me after school, buy me toys and stuff. It's the emotional support that's just, shallow. Her hurtful actions had hollowed my heart, which had form a scar by forgiveness. And as her loving daughter. Giving up is the only way I could think of to ask for her forgiveness. I know my mother did not want me alive. Because of me, her parents resented her. They're fine and close now, but hearing that from her would always ache my heart.
To my Ma and Pa,
I hope things would get better for the both of you If I failed to cling onto life. I'm sorry, and I love you both. :)
To my two brothers,
Ate's fine! I love you, but I don't know how long I'd be around for the two of you, if I rest, then it'll be forever. Eternally. :)
To my loving suitor,
My Dearest, Richmart Najal
You're the reason why I'm still holding onto life, and I hope you knew that. :) You're the one that has kept me here 'til I can't anymore. All of the memories, the moments and the silly thoughts we had are already cherished, it will all be remembered down, until I the day I've decided to put this to end. I never answered you, but I think that you already know it. You'll be in my heart. Always. <3
I love you, baby :)
To my best friend and cousin, Ayesha and Amber
Thank you for keeping me sane, and make me forget that I'm struggling. All of the laughs and the moments, the time we drank, all of it will be embarked on my skull. I love the both of you, and I see you as my sisters. We'll still be sisters forever, I promise! <3
To my other family, my very lovely friends
My dearest babies, Zyke, Zidane, Maidas, Klydenn, Hershane, Jade, Christalle, Jerci, Viene, Adrian, Andrei, Mark and Jamerick.
My loveliest, Princess, Iyah, Kenneth, Zaira, Marjannah, Emi
And also to my great friends, Jim, Jaezie, Jemimah
Thank you for listening to my stupid rants, I may not be the perfect friend and out of all, the most sensitive, but I still couldn't thank y'all for how matured, patient and supportive y'all handled me. All of you had given me strength to move forward with things and had made my life easier, everything was fun when it's with all of you. :) I love all of you, fairly and unconditionally, y'all are the reason why my candle's still lit, and the reason why I'm still going for a few more phases :) All of the laughs, the crying, the scandals, the academic stress had been watered down for me because of people like y'all- I'm glad and grateful for friends like y'all. I will remember each and everyone of you down to the last sunset I see. I'll engraved all of your names into my wrist until It stays and scar me forever. I'm so lucky to have all of you. :)
Samantha and Julia,
Hey girlies! the OG of all OG! I think, I might never get the chance to see both of you again, but I'm so grateful to have you both, pandemic wasn't hard for me because of you both, y'all clearly helped me survive <3 I love you two, until I'm lost to my wits. :)
P.S
"IS THIS A SUICIDAL NOTE???"
No. Well kind of. But I consider it as my final act of love if things went wrong. JK! I'm not going to commit....hmmmmmmmmm.
It's just things I wanted to say, 'cause who knows what might've happen to me, right?
-End-