My darling, I’ve been drinking a bit …and I want to talk to you about fears.
Have you ever felt like you betrayed yourself?
Like you got so caught up in everything that you can’t stop anymore?
When someone close to you becomes too close, so much that you start pushing them away, trying to act colder and more distant, even though deep down you long for the opposite.
But by then it’s too late… the weight of everything around you just suffocates you.
Have you ever had a moment, one that really mattered to you, when the person closest to you, your parent, simply forgot you existed? And not because he’s busy, but because his habits matter more to him than your special day, even though you’re supposed to be a part of him… And for others, it’s normal to still feel like a child with their parents, no matter their age… But I don’t have that.
Have you ever felt loneliness even when you’re not alone?
When you realize you’re not really a child to your parents, but a parent to them?
Or, worst of all… when you feel like an orphan, even though your parents are still alive?
How can you be surprised that you betray yourself, when all the most important people in your life have betrayed you first?
And how can you expect not to be left behind when you keep doing everything possible to make people leave, just because you’re terrified they’ll betray you, the same way your loved ones did… and the same way you do to yourself
I’m tired of myself…
I’m tired of people closest to me…
I’m tired of expecting someone to choose me, when I can’t even choose myself.
I’m tired of constantly looking for hidden motives in everything, afraid of being hurt, and only ending up hurting even more in return.
Every day feels like hell, where I fight not to end up alone, drowning in thoughts, tears, and breakdowns.
Every day I try to find a place for myself, some way to feel happy: making my friends and acquaintances laugh, joking, always smiling that silly smile, being the one who supports everyone else…
But I can’t be like that with the people closest to me.
And I can’t be like that with myself.
I feel too much for the people closest to me, and it scares me. Fear, fear, nothing but fear… Does this ever happen to you?..
Do I really just need to get used to it and be with someone who isn’t so close, so that they feel comfortable with me? So that I don’t have to be afraid of being left?