AB!
Marriage is something that has always scared me a lot... that’s why I kept running away from it. I have fantasized my life in various scenarios, but never imagined anything about marriage... because there’s no plan B option in marriage. Then I started believing in horoscope matching... maybe to avoid or delay things with people. I literally did a lot of research on it. And then, with you, the horoscope match score was quite average...I was getting a good vibe here, so I took it positively.
I had a very basic checklist or I should say, there was no checklist at all, only basic human needs, I said it in the beginning too that love and all is organic, but respecting and caring for somebody is a choice and that is what I expect in a relationship.
With you, in the beginning, you used to ask me things like, tum khush ho na? Tum thik ho na? Kuch bhi lage toh bol dena, etc. And I used to say, Yes, I am happy.
But you don't ask such questions now but I want to say I am not happy. This is the time when I should have been happy... but I am not. Seeing people around me enjoying their pre wedding time makes me think...
And you will think I’m complaining and you never complain complain.
Maybe the possible reasona are that I try to do things the way you like, or maybe because my actions don’t affect you.
Maybe... because you just don’t care.
I am open to change and adjustments, but not open to compromising.
And yes, I always had expectations in a relationship (not materialistic ones) but I have been keeping my expectations really low.
But when I ask for even the bare minimum, I get called a complaining person... and I don’t even know what to say anymore...
I’m actually a very talkative person, but with you, I don’t talk much, Idk why.
I wanted to make you my safe place, but I guess you don’t want to be that.
I feel like you are not ready to share your life with someone.
You talk to me when you want to, when you feel like but don't try to acknowledge my feelings or what I want...You forget I exist when you’re happy or having fun...
I only exist for you when you’re lonely or not feeling okay and I have accepted this thing.
But when I’m not okay, instead of trying to make me feel better, you just get angry, discard my feelings, and walk away.
And then comes your ego which is always bigger than me and you can go without talking to me for days...
And because I’m an emotional person, I always give up and end up calling you.
People can take out 15 minutes in a day, it’s all about importance and priority.
And that call you mentioned... that you called but I was busy, I felt that you called me because Uncle told you to do so...
I always let go of things, but I’ve always wanted someone emotionally available and caring.
That day, I said I fall asleep easily but again, I’m stuck in the same loop...
tbh I tried to express what I want in a relationship, but I failed, because it always gets perceived as complaints and nothing different happens after that.
I was hurt knowing that I’m marrying someone who can leave me upset and crying, sleep peacefully, or go about his day normally despite knowing I needed his presence at that moment and even I asked for it and then can go days without talking.
But last few days have made me realise things...So, I just need some time to process my emotions and I will accept these things in my life, and adapt accordingly...there is hustle in each and every thing in life... atleast I want my relations to be hustle free...
And this note is entirely about my feelings...I might have written things which are right and wrong from your pov.
4:35a.m.