Hey guys its 'Brookie. Life is.. ok? but also horrible. My dad still drinks. I found out my dad was cheating on my mom. nothing physical... thank god. He was so fucking stupid he forgot our messenges are connetcted. i exposed him. they arent divorcing. I still havent healed from my grandpa's death. I get panicked when someone mentions Pennsylvania... thats where he died. I guess i just cant get over it. New years is in 3 months... It stills feels like it was yesterday when my parents sat me down before church. They took a deep breath then said the words that killed me, "Your grandpa is no longer with us." it had taken me 3 minutes to process what i heard. I sat there. No understanding. then my brother started crying. Thats when reality hit me. He has gone. Permenetly, And my brain hadnt accepted it yet. I started to tear up. But what broke me the most was when they said, "He died on new years. got run over on his way to work at night. he died on the impact." Thats when i couldnt hold it anymore. I started crying harder then ever. After about 30 minutes of crying i managed to walk to my room and change. on the way to church i was silent. Ripping apart. silent tears streaming down my face. I stared at the falling rain dripping on the window. Feeling angry, sad, heartbroken, but mostly... guilty. i dont know why. when we got there i was still silently crying. My friend henry who i also like noticed, he was at the other side just staring. i sobbed in my dads hug. then the pastor annouced it. "Thank you everyone here for coming. I would like to ask the (Says My Last Name) family to lease come up here. My famly and i walked foward. My legs shaking. people stared. When we reached the front i stood there, still crying, then the pastor said "As some know..." He paused for seconds that felt like years.. then he finaly said it. the hard truth i had to acept. "Cruz Martinez Dominguez, has died... a car ran him over on new years" i couldnt handle it no more. i started to uncontrolably cry. People started coming up to hug us. when henry reached i felt embarassed. he never seen me cry. i tried to hid my face. he tried to support me he sai "i also lost someone that meant a lot to me. i understand you" I said thank you. As more people gathered. i just felt more and more over-whelmed. I Didnt go to school for a whole week. every day felt like torture. i cried. screamed. it was a pattern. i went to the funeral. The last time i saw him... he had that same smile. He had actually died smilling.... that same warm loving smile he would give me every time he saw me. he would call me his "little profit" Pastor. I dont know how he knew i would be a profit and pastor. when i turned 11 the pastors wife had a visoin. she said i would be teacher to my own age. first start with 6-8. then my age 9-12. then adults... and it true... i teach kids 6-8.. i never thought i would be that. i just wish he was here. so i could tell him he was right. that he always was. I remember the words he said once beofre the accident.. "I cant wait for you to grow up and see you up on stage being the profit you are meant to be" I wish he could have stayed. The last i saw him before the death was 2 years ago. he bought our favorite drink. Coconut watr. i was at the swings. he came with 2 cans of coconut water. He was telling me stories and jokes. Funny mischivious things he did as a kid. i was laughing. He was swinging me high but i would keep yelling "HIGHER, HIGHER" he would laugh and say that soon i would goflying to space. I said "get me my astronut outfit" Then we went swimming in the pool. I was happy. i was slpashing him. he was slpashing me. It was the best times with him. Everytime i buy that drink. Coconut water. the memories come back. I dont know why he died. and why in a car accident. but all happens for a reaso. guess not the one i expected. i will never understand. and i wont celebrate new years for as long as i am still hurt. Im gonna be starting therapy soon. hopefully that helps.
-sorry this was so long. thankyou to the people who read the full thing.