Hi. This entry will be about Johannes again. I'm so sorry. You’re probably sick of me talking about the same bastard over and over again, but there's literally nothing else going on in my life right now that compels me to write, except these meager interactions we occasionally have. On the bright side, this won't be all about him.
Anyway, for the longest time, my Discord profile picture has been Gollum. My display name—also Gollum. While I was still on Nitro, the perk I liked most about it was the option to use gifs as profile photos. So I replaced my cute cartoon Gollum (stolen from Telegram stickers) with a gif straight from the movies.
So imagine the audacity when a message from Johannes popped up, commanding me to change it.
Johannes: “Change the pfp. I liked the other one better.”
His tone, dictatorial, tugged at my nerves, because—what the hell?
Though true, I do have an affinity for dominant men, but he no longer holds that privilege over me. So I told him to:
Me: "Bend the knee."
The next day, my sister canceled her Netflix subscription—the same one me and my younger sister were using. With this, a trivial yet bold idea came to mind.
I asked Johannes if he had one.
See, before he moved out, he only had Disney+ and Prime, but now that he basically has a home cinema, I figured he’d finally want to get Netflix too.
Johannes: “Yes, why?”
Nice. I decided to be audacious as well.
Me: “Can I freeload 🙂”
But it wasn’t just a free Netflix I was after. I mainly wanted to see if he had a girlfriend. If he allowed me to use it, then that would mean he wasn’t sharing it with someone else. No special lady. No other girl with access. Probably...
Him: “Netflix bans the account if you log in from locations far away.”
Hmm... I could’ve easily used a VPN, to be honest. Does he share his account with another woman after all?
Or perhaps he really just doesn't want to share it with me..
I don't know which one is worse.
For a while, I experimented with my pfp. I used AI to create a Final Fantasy-esque version of “me,” though honestly, it looked nothing like myself in the slightest.
I’ve mentioned in my previous entries that there’s someone I like now, and we’re going to call him Cloud. Yes, after Final Fantasy’s brooding swordsman himself. Although my Cloud has dark hair, he’s got the same quiet intensity, not to mention those beautiful, piercing blue eyes...
When I replaced my Gollum with the beautiful fantasy-girl version that was supposed to resemble me, Cloud didn’t react much—at least not in the positive.
His exact words were: “You look strange today, Gollum 😂”
Okay, he was being playful, since my name there is basically Gollum. A few hours passed, and I decided the picture didn’t feel right. So I brought gif Gollum back. For some reason, it feels safer and more liberating to hide behind Gollum. This pleased Cloud.
Cloud: “Now that is the Gollum I know and love 😍”
I laughed at his sudden fondness for the little gremlin.
However, after a few days, the restlessness crept back in. So I swapped my profile picture again—this time to an image I’d used ages ago. And by ages, I mean way back when Johannes and I were practically children, grinning like idiots and completely smitten.
The picture I was talking about was of the beautiful and original Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl. Those times, I insisted that he set his profile picture to a Nate Archibald one—the one I had already selected for him to use. I shipped Nate and Blair. And it was this silly little thing, but I used to love seeing our icons side by side when we’d voice call.
So with this old image I resurrected, deep down, I was hoping it’d trigger something in him—some flicker of nostalgia, a quiet little reminder of what we were.
And, oh Universe, bless your chaotic heart... he did notice.
Just... not quite how I’d imagined.
Johannes: “Wtf, no Gollum???”
😐
Me: “Why do y’all love Gollum so much?”
Him: “ALL? I AM ALL? OOF.”
Me: “Yeah, have to be inclusive to the rest of you. Perhaps you’re a 'they/them' now.”
Him: “Shut up. You have several boys. Gotcha.”
Me: “You’re trans, so no. Wanna play snake?”
It was around that time I was exploring the games on Discord and idly tried out this one called "Snake Squad", which, to my surprise, turned out to be fun. You're placed in what seems like a space-arena deathmatch with about a hundred players and can play with up to five people. You eat colourful dots to expand your length, and can kill others by blocking them—because if you touch another snake, you die.
For a week, I hyper-fixated on it and played nonstop, even joining the official server and playing in squads. Sometimes with Cloud, who's easily a master at it.
Whenever there was somebody named “Johannes” in the game, I would intentionally target that unfortunate player and kill them off. It was satisfying.
So I asked the real Johannes if he wanted to play—so that if he said no (and that was most likely), I could bring up the opportunity to say: “But you’re really good at it since you’re a snake in real life 🙂”
I was already imagining the look of consternation on his face—dumbfounded, guilty, maybe even a little panicked—as the weight of the cruelty he'd done to me clawed its way back into his memory.
But again, the bastard didn’t go with the script I had in my head.
Me: “Wanna play snake?”
Him: “Wanna play with my snake?”
A pause.
A blink.
An eyeroll.
Me: “Sure, circumcision is a popular game where I’m from.”
Him: “XD Fock ya.”
Again—was he flirting? What was that innuendo all about? And was that jealousy he displayed when he concluded I had "several boys"? Is he single after all?
Tss..
And why do they both love Gollum? Ugh, I should’ve named myself Gollum here.. Why did I even decide to call myself "Bliss"? It sounds like a pornstar. And the “temporary” that comes with it doesn’t help lessen the fleeting sensual element either.
Grrr.