Dear Diary,
Hi, it's midnight 1:47am when I have started writing this note...
I don't know how I have been lately...I was crying some time back, everything is fine/okay...but I am not, maybe I am overthinking or maybe not...
I don't know where my life is heading...I feel low quite often... nothing is fine in the life...but I am trying to fix everything...
The more I talk to him these days, the more I feel uncertain about my decision... I don't say anything directly to my family but my father says...you only said yes to this...you have chosen him...
Yup, I have never been certain in my life about things...the day I said yes to this...I just took a leap of faith...
Despite knowing that our horoscope compatibility is average...I beleive in astrology...I have spent few months studying it....and according to it, there are 7 areas of life where the compatibilty is matched....and in the most important area - "affection" it was 3/5...is is kind of good or okay but not the best...and this one is the most important thing...it should be 5/5 so that rest all the shortcomings can be overlooked... and the temperment section was also 0/6...
Despite believing in all these...I went for him... coz all the conversations I had with him gave me the feeling that our values of life matches...and there were many factors...I felt that I can go ahead with him... and after that also... things were good...I actually forgot all these things... but since our fight that happened the day after his trip... everything changed...
It was very difficult for me also to be with someone who is so rigid...but I thought that I spoiled things so I should give him time...and yeah
I don't know as much as I talk to him...I have a feeling that all that predictions and horoscope matching is true...
These days I feel that I want to distance myself... I feel that I am the only one making efforts...I am not saying that doesn't makes any effort...he takes out time for me... answers my call everytime...or calls me back instantly...
But that's not my point...I don't agree with the explanations and logic he gives me about various things.
Only best thing I can see right now is -
I never feel insecure from him about anyone else...this much faith and confidence I have with him...
I feel like I am only one who is taking a step to reach to a common ground...he is not taking any step to move towards me...he says I have a lot of expectations...but I feel those things are bare minimum...not high expectations...he is expecting me to accept him as he is but I guess he isn't ready to accept me as I am... he should understand that you have to accept the person as a package... you can't only have the good sides of the person...you have to accept the bad sides too.
At present, I don't have any expectations from him...not even that he should care for me... although all my expectations is this only....he being caring enough and in a way where I feel that I have been taken care of... I want him to make me feel important.
Idk something has just turned off in me...I don't feel happy... I want to be happy with him... but I am not...I want to distance myself from him...I don't want to call him but I end up doing that...
I miss us... those days before his trip...
I feel lost, I find myself questioning my decision, I am scared... what if I always have to supress my feelings in this relationship...what if he will always keep his ego high...what if I will never experience or feel loved... Or maybe loved in the way I want... sometimes I feel like that I have to make comprises to make this relationship work... although I never want to have such a marriage where I feel that I am compromising...
I am a very easy going person and he isn't...
I always wanted a person with whom I can talk anything and everything... with whom I can share my fears, my highs and lows, my feelings... everything random thing...my deepest secret...
I wanted the person to be my go to place...my safe space...
I am feeling so overwhelmed,