My problem is that I really do see more than you think. And if I used to be blinded before, now I see clearly how little you actually care about me. No matter how much pain I’m in, you’ve always been indifferent. What matters to you is looking good in front of others. Playing the role, being the ‘good guy’, paying your way out of guilt, but only in front of them. You never felt guilty about how you treated me, or how you still treat me.
You think that because I’m not calm, because I speak up and ‘attack’ - I deserve all of this. But it’s only because I care. It’s because of love. And God, I wish I could become indifferent to you, calm. I dream of the day when, seeing who you really are, I no longer want to hold you. And I truly hope I’ll be able to feel joy when all your lies finally come to light…
You were truly lucky to have me… To be loved like that, even when I saw who you really are… And to have someone who still didn’t wish you harm, despite all the pain… But karma exists…
I can’t hate you, but I hate everyone like you… I’m sure that if I were just a bit more stupid, I would have exposed you completely to everyone we know. But I understand that most families are built on lies. And for most wives, it’s more convenient when their husband cheats but then does everything for them afterward. No matter how much they scream, deep down they like it. Otherwise, they wouldn’t tolerate it. And maybe, on some subconscious level, I ‘like’ it too… Because I was afraid of being used and abandoned once I gave my heart and that’s exactly what happened. Which only confirms to my ego that I was right all along…
How long will I keep thinking about the worst, yet still dream that you’ll hold me and make me forget everything? Dreaming that you’ll save me… But that will never happen, because you’re more interested in playing games than in my feelings or well-being… And I’m crying, dreaming of getting rid of this filth, these dark thoughts, this pain… Wishing you’d wrap me in your arms to shield me from it all, and protect my feelings with a kiss… But I realize it’s just the dream of a foolish girl who truly believed your words, until the veil finally lifted. And yet, my heart still foolishly holds on…
I dream that I was wrong, I dream you never read my rage, I dream I’ve simply lost my mind and none of it was ever true… I can’t help but laugh at myself how many things I say in bitterness, knowing deep down I’ll never do them or never meant it…
I had a bit too much to drink… I rarely drink, but now the alcohol has hit me a little… And I want to apologize for all the things I’ve said and all the bad thoughts… I miss you, but I act like a fool… But I really do miss you, and I don’t have the chance to write to you… And I want you to get out of my head… You’re more comfortable there… Leave me, stop appearing in dreams where everything feels good together... Don’t stir up the longing even more, get out of my thoughts and just be happy… You drive me crazy…
And still, I get too soft when I drink…
Books are the best escape from foolish thoughts… I miss him, but I can’t write. I miss him because… what? I don’t even know why I miss him, but I feel his absence. And I can’t explain it. I can’t write because I don’t want to ruin his relationship? Seriously?.. The truth is, I’m afraid. The last time, he blocked me, and now I’m scared. Scared that my words and feelings won’t even reach him. Scared that someone else will read them. Scared that he’ll get in trouble because of me. But when will I start thinking about myself?…
Again, stupid thoughts before sleep keep me from falling asleep…
I really can’t understand why you keep reading this?! Why do you need this? Why keep sitting in my head, in my diary? You have the opportunity to move on with your life, just like you want, I’m not an obstacle to your calm, quiet, peaceful, happy life. What do you want from me?! To watch my suffering? Do you really enjoy this?!
What else can I do to please you? Since I’m your personal jester… What else do you command me to do? I know perfectly well that only one person comes here. And you know it too… So tell me, what else can I do to amuse your ego?!
I’m too angry right now. I can’t generate hatred 24/7, and when I drink, I especially can’t keep wearing the mask of hatred, because that’s just not who I am by nature. But right now, I’m angry, at myself. So I can say even more bitter things.
Do you want that? Just to be sure, to make absolutely certain that I’m insane, that you made the right choice, thanks to God or whatever you trust in... If what I said before wasn’t enough, I’ll add more.