I don't really know where to start. I'm 30, male, mixed ethnicity, born and raised in Maine. Pretty much my whole adult life I have experienced some form of unconfirmed mental illness. I think I have ADD, High Anxiety, constant overthinking. Maybe I overthink my overthinking. What started as seasonal depression rapidly turned to four season depression. I might have personality disorder or maybe even bi polar, tri polar, I don't know. I'm probably some kinda crazy though. Truth is I haven't really been checked out by the right experts. I had always been too thick headed and prideful. I have seen a counselor a for a few months at a time a few various stints but it never seems to help. I always just think if I just keep my head down and keep pushing on things will work themselves out and that never seems to be the case.

This fall it started to take it's toll on my relationship with my girlfriend so I talked to my family physician about depression and he gave a prescription for sertralyne. I took it for eight or nine weeks or so, I think longer. It seemed like it helped me keep a positive outlook day to day but that was it. It didn't really help my anxiety or feeling constantly in fast forward. Sometimes it had some, embarrassing side effects that started a whole different cycle of shit thoughts and took a big hit on my self esteem.

My insurance was giving my counselor the run around about paying him and the 25$ copay was not enough for him to want to keep seeing me so he stopped accepting my appointments. I should have gone to someone else right away but I was going to be traveling quite a bit and it was the holidays. I simultaneously stopped seeing a counselor and taking the sertralyne and that was a ride.

I tried holding everything together. Ultimately, my relationship with my girlfriend is what had to give. For her privacy I wont reveal too much but after a few questionable decisions on my part she decided she had enough. This has caused a whole other whirlwind of thoughts feelings and emotion in my life but I can't blame her for that. She's just looking out for herself. She once told me, "It's not that I don't love you, I love myself more." I never really understood that until very recently.

I see basic girls post memes on IG about "You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself" or "You can't care for someone else if you don't take care of yourself first." It's kinda all adding up. I kinda always knew I had some issues. I was reactive about treatment and not proactive like I should have been. I got some help but not the right kind and when it didn't work out I gave up. Now, here I am. Alone. Wondering what to do? Where to start? Should I even bother? Hopefully I will have some answers soon. I am getting distracted and feeling antsy. Gonna go to the gym for a bit, talk later.

...'s Dear Diary