Dear Diary,
Today, I want to admit something to myself — something I’ve been circling around, unsure if it’s just a passing feeling or something deeper. I think I’ve started to truly like him.
And ironically, the reason I came here was to let go of this attraction.
But instead, I find myself writing about him again.
We’re from the same college. I didn’t know that when we first connected online — I was new, uncertain, alone. I had no clue about him or what would come next. All I knew was that I missed the familiar feeling of having my people around. I used to have a circle of friends — from school to high school, we grew up together. But here? I feel like a stranger walking through a crowd, invisible and unsure where to stand.
So when someone shows even a small amount of care, it feels huge. Like being fed when you didn’t even know how to ask for food. That’s how he made me feel — like I didn’t have to beg for connection, for support, for a little light in a lonely place.
And maybe that’s what made his kindness so heavy in my heart.
The scary part is not knowing how to express this gratitude. I don’t want him to feel burdened or awkward. And yet, not saying anything feels like carrying a secret that’s getting heavier by the day.
Kindness shouldn't feel like guilt — but somehow, in my overthinking heart, it does.
I know I have to be careful. I don’t want to fall into something one-sided. I don’t want to mistake care for closeness. But it’s hard not to fall for someone who shows up when you’re quietly hoping someone might.
And that’s where the conflict lies — I miss him, I want to see him, but I’m afraid.
Afraid of being too much, too emotional, too obvious.
Sometimes I even panic just seeing him unexpectedly.
It’s confusing. It hurts.
But I’ve made a promise to myself.
Whatever happens, I want to stand on my own.
Repay the help, quietly say thank you — and then… move forward.
Not to forget, but to grow.
I want to become the kind of person who doesn’t need to be rescued, who can handle things on her own — not because she has to, but because she’s capable.
I finally understand what my family meant when they said I was too childish. Back then, I thought they were just teasing me. But now, living away from them, I see what they were trying to prepare me for. Life isn’t always soft. It’s full of sharp edges, and growing up means learning how to walk barefoot without bleeding too much.
I’ve learned a few things:
Don’t ignore your studies, especially when it’s time to focus.
But don’t treat life like a battlefield all the time. Find a balance.
Honestly, this diary isn’t here to give advice. It’s my release valve. A quiet space to let out all the emotions I can’t share out loud.
Because at the core of all this — it’s not just about him.
It’s about me.
About how I’m struggling to stay focused.
About how I’ve got dreams, and only a short window of time to chase them.
About how I sometimes feel like I’m drowning in my own distractions.
If there's a god, or fate, or even just a part of me that believes in something greater — I hope it hears me now:
Please help me stay on the path. Help me overcome the fears, the laziness, the pain. I want to become someone who can carry her life with pride.
Not just for me — but for my family, my teachers, my friends, even strangers who’ve shown me kindness along the way.
I want to give back. I want to deserve the love I’ve been lucky enough to receive.
Even if I never reach perfection, I want to live a life that feels like a thank-you note written in action.
So if anyone reads this and thinks I’m being too dramatic… maybe I am.
But this is how I feel — and feelings are allowed to be big sometimes.
That’s enough for today.
— I-ga (polished with ai)