today is april 28 2025 and i know we dated 2/3 months ago and we broke up to fix ourselves but now that your back, im constantly anxious it wont work out again. your best friends with a ton of girls, they all have a crush on you, and your kiss count has gone up by 5 since me. it feels right that your back but i dont know if you feel that too. you tell me about all of these girls and not making promises to what our future holds for my sake and not knowing what you want. you tell me your hearts with me but your minds elsewhere. why cant your all be with me? my all is with you and itll never change no matter who asks me for my opinion. you then tell me some nights how you still love me and you always will and that your holding back from everything because you dont wanna rush anything, but i know its because of the other girls on your plate. you say sweet things to me still like you used to but they arent the same. you tell me you miss me but do you really? you tell me you dont want this to feel like your average "whats your favorite color?" talking stage because we already know all of eachother but the more i hear you talk about girls and the more emotionless you act towards me it makes me go back in time, in time to all the boys in the past who i let take advantage of me because of the sweet things they said. i dont want to repeat my history but with you i would 1000 times to feel your love again. your love feels normal to me. you feel like home to me and i cant hold that back from you. i cant pretend to not love you anymore it hurts me too much. we can still be slow and ease into it but i cannot hide myself from you anymore. i hate how youve become. i hate that your becoming like every other boy ive met. you started drinking, smoking, vaping, hooking up with girls even when you dont like them, acting on impulse, and only focusing on girls thoughts on you. you say your not like that but i know you well enough to know when your lying. id send this to you but i know you wouldnt understand, or maybe you would if you still are who you used to be and say you still are. i still sense the same boy i first met but theres a fear inside of me that youve changed, i dont know if its negative or positive, but whatever it is, its definetly not me or what i want. every day and night i can i now drink to distract myself from the nauseating thoughts i have about you. my anxiety and my migraines are getting worse. i almost threw up in school today because of how bad it was. we called earlier at 9:43 and hung up at 10:30 and i almost had a panic attack mid phonecall. your voice is such a sweet memory but the words you speak make me feel sick. the last time i saw you was saturday april 26 and you held my hand and hugged me and you told me how hard it was to not kiss me and later that night we went out with our friends and drank and you cared for me while i was drunk, holding my arm and holding me and sweet talking me. you took me home that night and we called and your words were still sweet. now they have watered down. maybe next time we see eachother we should just drink so we can go back to that time again. back to the sweet things and away from how things probably truly are. you drunk called me thursday april 24th and told me how you loved me and missed me so much and how all you wanted was me back and a future together. i want to go back to that. how come when you drink or your drunk you tell the truth and your emotional but when your sober you act like you never met me. you told me you didnt remember saying all of what you said but when i told you about it and showed the proof you told me it was all true. sometimes you tell me well get back together and its a promise and that you want to wait for my sake, and the next your telling me you dont know what you want and cant make promises. stop being so fucking wishy washy and tell me what you truly think you want and what would truly make you happy instead of changing it up every day and making me feel sick to my stomach all day. stop being afraid of telling me the truth when you already know how i feel. everyday since we started talking again on april 22 on snap ive been looking for old pictures, videos, messages, voice memos, or even playlists to feel a bit of how it used to be, because i know thats still you and i still have a chance of getting that part of you back. ill never forget the nights we have when things are sweet. even the nights that arent, you still somehow can tell im upset and anxiety ridden and atleast find something little to do to fix it temporarily no matter if its calling my hair pretty, my nails, my eyes, calling me fine shyt because god forbid you ever say beautiful or pretty or gorgeous again, or say anything sweet. i miss you, but i miss the real you, not whatever the fuck this is.