Dear Diary,
"Decisions are the hardest moves to make, especially when it's a choice between what you want and what is right."
Hi, this is a very late entry... not in the sense that it's 3:28 am...post midnight...haha... I wanted to write but my laziness you know.
But it's necessary to write as I wanted to write this thing although alot of things have changed, feelings changed, acceptance happened and many more...but I will try to write what I was feeling that time.
This note is about the biggest decision of my life... which I took so randomly little by trusting the feelings that yaa I can go ahead with this without thinking anything more... and maybe coz things felt better than the rest of the people, maybe coz I wanted to take such kind of decision at that point of time in my life and everything seemed fine...
So, as I was there on 19th...my parents visited his house...my mum returned back, I asked them how was it, what did they serve? My mum replied that we got the respect there and that was fulfilling enough. They liked them, him...in this note him is A* . They liked the family...next day my meeting was scheduled.
Till the morning, I was not sure what I am gonna do...on 19th he asked me for a call but I denied saying that I am sharing the room, can't go out to talk. I was so unsure about my feelings, I was so unhappy,,,
Later, they arrived, I went there after sometime, I saw them sitting and looking towards me ...I saw that smile on his face as well... trying to look at me but avoiding the eye contact..we were supposed to go and talk but I wasn't talking at all...I wasn't in that zone to talk...but he tried to make me talk...he asked what I am gonna say...I said I don't want to marry early...I need time as I mentioned in the text messages in the morning as well...he said that it's quite late...why do you want to have that much of time...I said there are various reasons...
I told my mum that everything seems fine but I don't want to get married in next 2 months, if you can delay it, I am okay with it...I can marry.
Then more people joined us... then at that time, I spoke...I was little relaxed...I was feeling little better with everyone...afterwardswent for the lunch at another place...there we were sitting at opposite ends... sometimes he was looking at me until the food arrived...
While going to the temple, returning from there as well I was on the passanger seat...but I wasn't talking at all...I remember he said that say something otherwise later you will say that you can't talk as you are sharing the room which made me smile.
I told my family that I am okay with this alliance...but my brother intrigued what's being okay...say yes or no...I know they were looking for some happiness on my face... which was missing... meanwhile I planned a day out with him over the call... where he asked about the day ... where I mentioned something what his father said which I didn't like...and shared the same with my brother as well...A* said that you saw right... I spoke on your behalf at that time...my sis also spoke on your behalf...so whatever issues arrise in future...just tell me...coz I am the only one who can solve it...he used to say that I am getting such a husband who does this and that... for which I replied twice that this is just bare minimum.
21st March, Next day, he came to pick me up...we went to some nearby city for a long drive... that day I was comparatively talking more but still I am not this person who talks less...I wanted to have like one incident or wanted him to do atleast one gesture which can make me realise he is the one...all the time and at different incidents I ended up comparing him with SS...knowing that everyone is not same...and maybe I won't find someone like him again...and this person is not at all like him...we reached there and while returning back he was trying to convince me in funny way...saying he will do whatever I say...if I want him to go for prp he will do that and so and so...he got calls from his family...thay cited their fear and not liking the idea of wedding in November...he started panicking...I saw that he didn't want this alliance to end like this... which made me ease down...he said am I happy...I said idk if I am happy or not but I am okay and I will be happy with time...just give me some more time...I also shared that we don't have any romatic feelings right now but that's also my biggest fear what if he didn't fall in love with me or vice versa...we discussed our past relation...insecurities and fear we developed from them...while driving back there was a lot of traffic and we were stuck there too...I felt that on a random Thursday, you will fell that things don't hurt anymore...are you're okay...as we returned...my mum talked to him about his decision... he said ask her...my mum said I know her decision already... and he was shocked that I had already said yes...he literally got nervous at that time... he asked me am I sure? Am I happy? He said Nov is too late what if you change your mind, etc... I said that I am giving you my words, I will never back out...are you sure...he said yes... I asked are you happy with this thing...he said yes...he wasn't sure that I am literally sure...but I said yes I am sure...he asked me what made you say yes...I said the way you were panicking with the thought that this may not work and how he said that that's why he asked parents to have conversation before so that if we like each other...after that no issues may arise and so on...that fear of losing this relationship made me say yes...
Later his parents came... engagement date was announced...his father said a few things to me with which I wasn't that comfortable but I was fine...at that time, he was constantly looking at me while sitting infront of me...he asked me if I was okay or not later... he said I was trying to stop papa with some gesture...later things were made official... while he was going back I asked him to come to meet me next day and have lunch with us and drop us to the airport as well. He agreed for that.
Later he texted that night that don't book the cab...I will drop you to the airport.
I will write about the next day in the next note...
The two incidents which led to this alliance and marriage...
1. when SS said that he don't know if he loves me or not...maybe he don't have any feelings for me... this was the worst thing he could have said to me... after spending those 4 days with me... getting this was enough to hurt me...I asked papa to look for other alliances seriously and before that he was also waiting but I asked him that I am serious...A's profile was the first one...and he texted me the very same day...I said I may talk tomorrow...I recieved around calls from him but the damage was already done...
Next day...he again asked for the call...I had a conversation with him and felt that he is a good person...he was super impressed... atleast he made me smile...I was not that impressed as I just had a conversation coz I didn't want to disappoint my parents this time and I was the one who asked to look for the guys so... never knew this conversation will change my life in such way...
2. After pushing the meeting for numerous lame reasons... finally the time came...when I was supposed to take the flight next day...my heart wanting something else...I wasn't happy at all...I was evident to everyone in the house...but that evening something happened... getting that call from SS parents...made the situation worst...now this was the worst thing for me from his end...it hurted a lot when I recieved that screenshot of the text from my father but this was the worst they did to me... I accepted all their unreasonable ideologies, opinions and what not...but that day...I made a decision that day... and I was very clear what I don't want in my life...I found it so funny as my parents thought that SS might create any scene there...I said it's not a movie and he isn't like that...
Still, I went there hoping that they might reject me...but the family turned out to be really sweet and loving... atleast till now I feel the same...they make me fell important, over hype me... consider me as a part of their family and most importantly they like and respect me... uncle literally said that my son has praised you so much... etc etc
So, I said yes coz I wanted to say yes and get married to someone...I said yes coz saying no would have brought a lot of kalesh and chaos in my life...my family would have thought that I still stuck there only... I had seen my father cry... feeling helpless some day in Feb... I wanted my family to get this moment in their life... U felt I won't get any love in my life so it's okay... I said yes coz I wanted to show everyone that there is literally no rishtaa ka kami in my life...it is just me who isn't saying yes for anyone... I said yes coz I felt okay and relaxed after so many days while coming back on that drive... I said yes coz I was tired of this viscious cycle arranged marriage process and I wanted some peace in my life...I said yes coz I thought that he is a good person and wants me in his life...I said yes coz I made him wait around 2 months...I said coz I felt nice with him...I said yes coz I liked him at times in those 2 days...
Still waiting for that Eureka moment. :)