Dear Diary,
How does it feel when you work hard, but guess what—you were going in the wrong direction?
I’ve started losing hope.
I wasn't consistent with my studies, so how can I expect to succeed just after one day of hard work? I just realized that after remembering what our teacher used to tell us in school.
It's not like I don't want to study or anything like that, but sometimes, even after a bunch of hard work, we fail. In those times, some people learn a lot, a few get their turning point, but sometimes, we just lose hope.
It becomes really hard to get back on track when we lose belief—self-belief. But life is never perfect; otherwise, it wouldn’t be healthy.
Well, I was really sad and was in the mindset of flushing all my sadness—and mostly excuses—out here, and just then, I saw a comment on yesterday’s diary. I felt so happy that he/she liked one of my words.
These days, I’ve cut off all the social media, except one, for emergency contact and college purposes. It helps me get back to focus little by little. I shouldn’t be saying it out loud here, because every time I feel happy about something, it turns its back on me right after. Well, let's stop this childish overthinking habit.
So, dear diary, today wasn't a great day, but not a bad one either. What I’m happy about is: I’m doing, I’m trying, I’m hoping—for at least something rather than nothing. I may not be able to answer all the questions, but I can try. I studied until late, without getting distracted by other stuff, and now I’m just taking a break so I can at least prepare for the whole syllabus. Who knows which questions may be asked? I just went through one revision.
I do lots of silly mistakes. It’s not just about my academics not being with me—the real problem is, I’m not even able to do simple things that a normal person, even an uneducated one, can do. I came all the way here into this harsh environment with a mission to overcome the obstacles in my life. But guess what—I’m also messing up the academic part of my career, which I regret every day while climbing the stairs to my class. Why? Why there? Too far. Why this college? Why did you come here? But I’ve never raised my voice against the course I took—maybe that’s the real reason behind all these problems (since not everyone fits in the same mold).
After studying for so long and still not finishing, I felt exhausted.
So I opened this diary to talk, prepared a cup of coffee, and played some low-volume music in the background.
It’s heaven.