Dear Diary,
ok I thought of a few vignettes and topics I want to talk about and I am going to post them separately so its not too exhausting.
Let's start with the most embarssing one first so no one who is new here will suffer of the illusion of me being a particularly good person. This happened last October. I was really sick for the first time in several years, lying in bed for almost two weeks with terrible headaches, a terrible influenza. It actually really sucked because the korean filmfestival that spike is doing the programming for was during that time. Spike is a filmstudies girl I became interested in while visiting her tutorial about Kurosawa movies.
So I was bummed out and I started thinking about P, who is a girl I had a big big crush on in school. Maybe I dreamed about her again I cant quite remember. She has appeared quite frequently in my dreams for over over 10 years now. I'm not saying that as a kitschy metaphore, she literally appears in my dreams. Even though I spend a lot of times thinking about other girls and P is not really a factor in my life anymore (except for those out of the blue chance encounters that shook me to my core) P is the only one who appears that often. Maybe its because I spent so many thoughts on her while my brain was still developing. My synapses have permanently formed into a mental image of her thats permanently carved into my psyche. Even if I'm not obsessed anymore and my feelings are just a faint shadow, that shadow is still cast by a huge statue of her. In the last dream she excitedly showed me around some huge family house where many many of her relatives live, most of them brothers.
So semi-regularily I google her name to look if she did anything lately. Sometime after school she became super interested in modern dance. Not Salsa or sth but the artsy kind that is done in fancy stage performances. Pina Bausch style. The last few years she seems to have studied dance in Denmark. I think this is really cool, it seems she has really found her passion and is living it. She always seemed very refined in a way so I think this fits her greatly. I really want to go to a performance by her if I have the chance.
Ok but what did I find which warrants an entry here? She participated in a nude outdoor performance. And there were pictures. I dont think it was an actual dance, but more coordinated movement through different environments doing different formations. In some of the pictures the nude people, men and women of all ages, are climbing over those wavebreaker stones at a coast, in others they stand ominously on a boat or on a grassy field lifting each other up. They do wear kneeprotectors and gloves but thats it. There was an audience too of course. Quite a brave thing for her to be doing, she is really serious about her art.
P is only in one of the pictures though. But still I now have a nude photo of my big crush from school, which is really surreal. Hence why I said I am not a good person, because of course I saved it like a creep. To my defense I was not searching for something like this I was just curious what she was up to. I was lying there in bed terribly sick and suddenly this fell into my hands out of nowhere.
Weird to see someone you had so many feelings for so completely bare 100% herself. How much time have I spent imagining her like this back then. But I did feel that I was over her, I havent actually looked at it that much. Still my mental image was a bit off. Her boobs are actually a bit bigger than I thought, still small but I always imagined her almost having no boobs. And aparr from a big bush she didnt have much hair. Her being very feminist I thought she wouldnt care that much. The picture is not very high res but her legs look cleanshaven to me. Maybe ots because of the performance idk. I always imagined being the ally boyfriend you know who supports his girlfriends feminism you know, yeah really cringe.
But yeah everybody had to approve of these pics being uploaded so its not like this is without consent, but still kind of bad of me. I dont really care that much to be honest, Im so tired of worrying about these things so much. It should be fine. After all the whole point of this performance is to break social conventions about nudity probably. And I really dig that.
It reminds me of this Web comic I recently found called The Gloaming. It also challenges societal norms or at least it feels like it does. Its about a group of female clones living wildly in an almost abandoned house in the forest by some small town. They were created by a horny professor to be his sex slaves but he has mostly lost interest and they are mostly left to their own devices. Since they were created for sex they are really horny and most of them lack empathy. Only one of them is a bit more caring, which makes her hated by the other ones. But yeah they go around raping men using an aphrodisiac gas and they don't mind nudity in the slightest. I like how it turns gender dynamics around like that. Seeing women being so proactive in comics like this heals something in my soul tbh. Obviously its still mostly porn created for the male gaze, so proceed with caution if you want to check it out. There is also some body horror.
I like the free sexual energy it represents though. I'm thinking of getting the physical version symbolically as a token of my deviant convictions. That would be fun I love getting weird comics it makes me feel special.
So long yall until next time