Dear Diary,
I do not want to write here anymore but sometimes you need to express what are you feeling to understand yourself.
Dear diary, I am little okay right now but I wasn't fine since last 4-5 hrs. Nothing new, same thing.
I know what I should I do and what I shouldn't in terms of things that are good for me or vice versa. But I didn't do any of them right.
I was so sad, depressed, I am saying I was because I am little better maybe 5-10% better right now.
I know what my heart wants, I know what my mind also wants, like they both want the same thing...like 80% of my mind wants to be with him SS and rest 20% knows what consequences are attached to it but still heart craves for him.
I can't undo my feelings, I can't smile or I can't make myself feel better. I know what will make me happy or what will set everything right for me atleast according to me...but it's nearly impossible.
I showed up all my courage, feelings and everything but things work when people at both ends gives similar tries and efforts to make it possible.
Now again, I need to suppress my feelings, I cried in the washroom, I cried during the shower, suddenly festival didn't feel like festival as I felt everything is so colorless this holi.
I waited but what's next, things aren't going anywhere, I am going to meet another guy in upcoming days maybe within 5 days but I feel I am not ready for it. And the worst part is I will have to say yes or no that day only.
Today, I was thinking again, how things could have went well if I didn't showed that much interest with SS, like I shouldn't have told my parents that I like him or I should have said that let's meet and then decide or whatsoever or idk if I did this what I think I should have done then, it would be little different in terms, in that case family would disliked them and things might have ended there only. So, again I thought that what's done is done,and nothing can be reversed or changed. So, no point of thinking all that.
But I am not well, I don't feel like doing anything, nothing is fine in my life right now, I don't feel like working, but can't leave everything and just only live as it is not an option, right now I am in a financial crisis and leaving things like this won't help me instead it increases the burdens.
All my Instagram is filled with heartbreak reels and quotes which makes me more sad, I get teary eyes all the time, today also, my brother said, it will be prosperous if you get married this year but again this is or will be your choice,,
But what overwhelms is the thought that how to move on, will I be able to move on, what if I don't feel any love with the next person, what if I fail to get out of all my current feelings. Earlier, 2 years back, situations were different, I only liked the person, at that time, I tried to like other people as well, so it wasn't this difficult for me.
I have so many memories with him, how would I erase them, what if I continue missing him, what if I couldn't unlove him, or not what if, how would I forget everything I had with him, I have so many memorie, last week this day, I was there, enjoying with him, how will I ever forget things...
I wish things were little better December last and January or I wish I could have just said him in Hyd that I want to marry you, just ask you family to get the dates and don't think that much, just go with my instincts...but would this have made anything better, idk, maybe they hated us a lot more than they loved him otherwise things wouldn't be any difficult in Dec-Jan.
I prayed to God to make things better with him, when he went to Hanuman Mandir in Patna, I was on video call, I prayed only one thing, that please God do some miracle so that we can visit the temple as a couple next time, I prayed when I visited Kumbh nearby my city one, I observed Mahashivratri fast and wished the same, I prayed the same yesterday also but I don't think God is any mood to make it any better...
There are two things in my mind, first, I wish the prospect guy don't like me...but what if he says yes...what will I say then...and the second thing that I want to get rid of this marriage thing and the only solution is getting married and the groom hunting process is too tiring and I am done with it.
So, I don't know what life has stored for me????????
And comments or suggestions might help, so please drop if anyone feels like. :)