Dear Diary,

When I started writing here I was 16, I'm 21 now as of Nov 3rd. Its been a few months since I've last written and in those few months so much has happened. With that being said I'm craving to write, a lot and I have the time to do so now which you'll find out about later on.

Chapter 1: The Summer of Love that Blossomed in Fall, and died in Winter.

Where shall we begin?...Ah yes Jenna. There's moderate mentions of her in a previous write, but I held back on writing for this relationship and that was for good reason. To catch you up to speed, Jenna was a girl I'd occasionally see around my workplace for the course of 2024 and a few months in 2023. She was very pretty, always being transported around by our managers, and mysterious by not telling anyone much. In September of 2024 we had started working together so she could learn my job skills, a move made by our management. I work with a team though and decided to let them train her while I just kept my distance. A few weeks went by, I watched the others train her and monitored her progress but it wasn't working well. I eventually took over, in a matter of days we were spending every extra second of time together both at work and always on the phone when we were separated. We fell for each other quick. A couple months went by and with 1 day left before a 31 day month vacation from work (because our company just gave us extra time that year) she tells me that she isn't feeling as ready for something "serious" as she thought she was, and after told me she wasn't gonna tell me till the last minute. I told her the next day (which was Friday) I felt like it was over already, because she pretty much implied a deal breaking situation without ending it but she replied saying she didn't feel that way about it and she wasn't sure about it but wanted time to think. It gave me hope, that was what she intended to do but here comes Monday which means its time for her to fly out for 2 weeks. To explain the 2 week thing, it was time for her to take a trip to a trade school to get certified in a skill. We'd planned for me to go with her for company but as time went on the idea didn't feel right when it was planned without me when there was months to include me into it, and she often mentioned complications about where she'd be staying and if it was with family she wouldn't want them knowing I was there but never seemed to include me when she talked about it or anything. I ultimately backed out a while in advance because it was all so unstable relative to me, I dreaded the idea of her being gone for that long at the time but I knew it would be fine and alright in the end even if I couldn't join her.

I of course didn't fully believe her, even at 21 I managed to gather a hand full of rough relationships in the past evidently due to bad taste but they taught me hard learned lessons. We didn't end up texting much. The first day she for the first time ever facetimed me, showing me the nice room and everything. It gave a bright impression that she maybe actually was still feeling good about us. As the days passed we talked less and less which I was honestly okay with. I knew she was busy, there was a lot going on there and I wasn't gonna ruin it. When you spend every extra minute with someone everyday long enough, you learn to read them, predict them, know the outcome of conversations you may never even have, and its to this degree of a connection we had so even during the little conversations we were having in her free time, I felt it every time she had thought abt us and shifted her behavior towards me as a result. Every word that was different, the tone, the depth of the replies, etc... But she said it wasn't going that way...right? So I tried my best to ignore it, reply the way I always do and be positive. After 4-5 days in, we had a conversation and she we both were missing each other and wanting to talk more than we have. It was easy to fall into the habit of just not checking our phones but that results in missed chances that we could've had an hour or two of time together to chat. So in concept we'd be trying to fix that. Didn't last long. With all of this being said, I was feeling incredibly unsure of us within a week in and I spoke out about it to her. Again was just met with reassurance, in the moment it felt better but I knew I was the feeling the way I was for a reason. I know when a partner is lying, I knew she was, and I had begun preparing myself for the end because it was near. Then she got a job offer from the company, women were rare in the trade and she was stunning so they offered her a advertising gig for a new product they wanted to sell. I asked her an obvious question from my point of view, which was what it meant for us. She said she didn't know, needed to think on it. I had pretty much had enough, throughout the entire relationship I bent over backwards doing everything I could for her, my world revolved around her, we were intimate, loving, caring, I gave her anything she asked for and more. I gave my uncertainties early on before we got serious and she gave me promises that she'd now broken. So, I gave it a few more days because if there was any chance she'll speak up and say otherwise I was going to let her, but she didn't. I wasn't gonna spend the next 2-3 weeks before she comes back waiting for and also dreading an answer so one day I forced it. I got my answer and with that we were done. Spent 3 weeks of silence after, started texting again a couple days before work, tried to be friends but wasn't working, she turned into a monster so I just cut off the friendship. Then she came back begging to be friends, I firmly said no.

A few people in my life know the details and give advice or share familiar experiences, etc... one of them is a guy named Scott. Before Jenna and I had even started talking I had seen him and her talking, he was someone on our team at work, a father figure to her and later on to me as well. He was there for us for support and encouragement both individually and as a couple when we needed him and someone we said we'd bring to our wedding. It took a week or two coming back into work to open up to him about it, I wanted to so bad but I wasn't ready and felt like I'd cry if I did. He would sometimes small talk me, said he was worried about me, and things like that but I just couldn't hold a conversation so I tried my best to politely let him down.

On the day I finally did speak to him, an hour or so before a friend of mine had told me the nonsense she was telling everyone else about us. What she did was wrong, and unlike her I had been on the team for a long time so the people of course swayed towards defending me instead of staying silent. She defended herself with lies and tried to make me look like a chasing puppy. I genuinely felt so much better about things, in my own head I was so unsure of if what she did was even wrong because I was blinded by my adoration for her so to hear it validated my feelings more because she's so ashamed of it that she's not just lying to protect her own image, but also lying to make me look like a chasing simp. I was laughing so hard, it was probably the brightest part of my week up to that point. Now, with all that said I was finally able to talk to Scott. I was feeling confident, over it, giggly, but as soon as I spoke the first word I felt my emotions crack. I couldn't even get it out loud enough for him to hear it so I had to repeat it. Before I go on with the dialogue, I'd like to preface it with the reasoning why I wanted to talk to him so bad about it as opposed to someone else. Logan for example is my bestfriend, a brother basically and I have talked to him about it but he doesn't know Jenna and can only converse based on what he knows about her from what I've told him. Scott does know Jenna, he knew her personally before I ever did and like me loves her of course differently but still. He is the only person I was close with that shared that mutual connection with her. So to the dialogue (this is all paraphrased). I started with

-- start --

Me: "She didn't turn out to be who I thought she was." He to

Scott: "Take it as a lesson, know girls at this age just want to have fun, and don't really mature, she's been babied through this company and gets all that attention and she loves it. I'm proud of you for how you're handling this, I see a lot, I watch a lot and you've kept to yourself while she's doing all that."

Me: "Yeah all the guys are telling me what she's been saying, none of its true, I expected better from her. Its like she's a whole different person."

[cut to next conversation 10 mins later]

Me: "I needed to hear that, it helped a lot"

Scott: "Well I'm glad to hear that man, that's good."

Scott: "Like I said just take it as a lesson learned, there's plenty of people in the sea and be careful about who you pick. Lemme tell ya a story, a while back I went to go check the mail and I found letters written to my finance from some guy. I went and asked her, she admitted it. So I went to the guys house and told him 'she's all yours'. Man I tell you what that heartbreak is something else, I was so depressed, wanted to do nothin, it'll destroy your life. I went to therapy twice though, they told me what I needed to hear and that was it"

Me: *breaking into tears*

"I gave her the world, and even after I can't help but want to care for her still. I gave her all the space she needed, I scrape the ice off her car at night so she can drive safe, I can't even bring myself to say a single negative thing towards her."

Scott: "I know it hurts, you did good, stay strong, you were good to her and someday she'll realize where she's at and what she regrets giving up.

[Lunch break]

-- end --

I was quite a mess, so I cleaned myself up went out to my car for break, and just cried more. It started to feel good, I sobbed and got it all out and as I felt the weight physically leave my body I started laughing, harder and harder. It felt good, I felt overwhelmingly happy, over it, liked I'd jumped ahead 5 years into moving on. To have someone that loves her the same, validate my feelings, and talk about her in a mutual tone of disappointment with experience in being heartbroken by these types of girls is therapeutic. I honestly didn't know what to expect. He knew her before he knew me, and I never bothered to pay him attention until Jenna became a part of my life, he has a strong connection with her so I figured it could've gone in a very dismissive manner, defended her, or something else. He chose to support my side of things over hers, he relates, understands, again said everything I needed to hear to validate my feelings and help me move on. Comparing what happened to me with his experience with cheating showed me he understood the depth of the betrayal even if it was an unconventional reason to break up on the surface.

Chapter 2: To be 21 in 25.

Imagine in a 4th dimension you could visibly see our timeline that grows indefinitely, you know its entire history and you could choose where to be. Would you pick a specific era or put yourself in the front seat of the rollercoaster and live in real time as it keeps growing? I feel like every decade always dramatizes how crazy that year is, at first thought I disagreed with the concept but while I'm writing this I've changed my mind to the fact that it IS valid. Society, science, politics, technology, etc... advances so quickly and each decade is far more superior in these aspects than the last they aren't really being dramatic because in that time period it was pretty crazy to be alive. To be 21 years old in the year 2025 is a crazy feeling. There's a couple different reasons and branch offs for those reasons.

Firstly is the state of my mind, the state of mind that I'm in continues to shift based on my experiences and environment, I feel like its a part of me that I can't really control. Depending on who you ask, at the age of 21 I should be out partying, getting girls, doing drugs, making mistakes, basically destroying my life for the sake of fun. If you ask someone else, they might say I should be chasing my career, saving all my money, and focusing on myself so I'll have a gazillion dollars when I'm 70. I don't want just either of those things though, I want a bit of both.

With the first advice given I may have plenty of fun in my youth but when I'm old I'll wish I had been smarter about taking care of my future too. If I go with what the second guy said, I'll always have financial security (which is worth so much, I literally have 2-3$ in my account right now cuz I spent a bunch recently) and security of an easy/wealthy retirement. I want to live responsibly, save money, create security, grow in my career, have fun and fall in love while I get older.

Unfortunately however its 2025 and with the previous year leaving a mess to clean up, its that much harder to live the life I want to. Everything is so expensive, the things I want were already expensive, society as a whole is just crumbling, but not to blame everything on the world itself because I ain't perfect either.

As a teenager before I was even old enough to have a license I was pushing the limits with what I was capable of doing with a car, I loved ripping it down the highway, hearing that engine scream, taking risks and learning from close calls but the car I was driving was an old 2003 Toyota Camry. Not fast, wasn't meant to be and despite how rough I was on the engine it just kept running... a good car but like I said not fast. That being said I bought one with twice the horse power, weighed much less, overall much quicker and capable of a car. The FRS/BRZ/GT86 platform. Quick little cars, highly adored in the car enthusiast community, and one I've loved since purchasing. I am young, and made poor choices when I was given the means to do so. Within my 4-5 months of working at my current job, I bought a pricey car with a horribly bad 21.4% APR with a 5-6 year pay off. It was a bad choice but one that I honestly still respect 1.5 years later even after living with the burden that its been to me financially. I specify "financially" because its only just that. I don't know if it was because of how I was driving as a teenager, maybe the movies I grew up watching or just something in my blood that has a craving for going fast. Its a therapy session for me every night on the drive home, pedal to the metal all the way, flying past cars, feeling every inch of road I'm driving on, the noise, the rumbling, I love it. Its also been a big conversation starter for me, often times when I'm stopping to get gas or food, people strike up a conversation about their cars or experiences with owning one of mine before and I've made good friends from it who also drive the way I do and find it equally as awesome. I don't regret buying the car but I do wish I was more willing at the time to wait for better offers. Being young and buying sport cars is a lot more expensive than what it should be because 1.) I don't have much of a credit history which can't be helped but that means high interest rates with a fat down payment; and 2.) Insurance thinks I can't drive and will crash on any given day so my insurance rates are sky high. (about a year ago I dropped them and been saving bunch of money since. Ain't illegal if you don't get caught am I right?);

Up to that point a large portion of my bills were being taken care of by my company so I'd never really faced the full gravity of what I was responsible for just yet. With 3k in income, and 2.8k in bills when they stopped supporting me, I learned my lesson hard. Unreal numbers in circumstances I could've easily avoided. That all being said it wasn't long before I realized how hard of a struggle I just volunteered myself for.

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