Dear Diary,
Words effect us so much more than we're willing to admit or even realize. My self esteem has always been low. When I was younger, I think God himself couldn't have convinced me I was worth anything. I looked in the mirror and all I saw was a fat, 4 eyed, nerd.
I was what they call a "late bloomer". Although being a mom to two teens, I now think everyone else was just rushing. I didn't get a boyfriend until I was 16; as well as a first kiss. It was a rush to feel what all my friends had been feeling for years. Sad to say it became quite an addiction.
After breaking up with him, I didn't really have another boyfriend for awhile, but every day I logged into those AOL chat rooms and flirted with anything and anyone. I met a few, which, once again now that I'm a mom, I understand how dangerous that was. I just wanted so bad to feel like I was wanted. This set me on a path of looking for validation from others; mainly men.
Now I didn't do anything really physical until I was 19. I won't go into details but that night flipped a switch in my screwed up head that said, if you give them what they want, guys will like you and see you as someone other than the shy chubby girl. Looks don't matter when the lights are off. Oh if I could go back to that 19yr old and save her so much heartache.
So I did something's I'm not proud of. Things that make me physically sick to think about (nothing illegal). I met a guy when I was 20 who I fell head over heels for. We started dating by sleeping together. We broke up a couple times for a few days at a time. During which I'd find another guy to sleep with. Even if we were together, I'd cheat on him because I craved that attention so bad.
On one of our breaks I was talking to a guy I'd met through a chat room. We'd been corresponding for a couple of years and I had "bragged" about all the stuff I'd some because my idiotic self thought it made me look cool and desirable. One night this guy told me something that I don't think I'll ever forget. I won't say verbatim what he said but he told me I was the girl everyone wants to sleep with but nobody would ever want to marry me.
Of course I pretended like it didn't bother me but man!! Talk about a knife in my heart. Despite all the junk I was doing, my true desire was to honestly just find someone to love and marry. But here's this dude telling me I'm used goods and no guy will ever see me as anything else.
So add on that to my already low self worth. I had a boyfriend who, now I see, was a narcissist but I stayed because I didn't think anyone else would want to be with me relationship wise. We were so bad for each other but I told myself all couples fight. We eventually broke up because I had proof that he'd cheated and it wiped any bit of self esteem I had acquired from becoming a mom and wife. And what did I do? I went straight into another toxic relationship. Why? Because that person showed me the attention I was craving.
I won't get into details of that relationship. It was wrong and lasted way longer than it should have. After leaving that relationship, I went on a horrific ride of guy after guy after guy. I felt like I was nothing if a guy didn't want to be with me or flirt with me. I made so many horrible choices and decisions. My heart hurts so bad thinking of all the times that could have been my last night on Earth. I spent years looking for validation from strangers and of course never finding it.
Meanwhile those harsh words always playing in the back of my head. I was trying to hard to prove them wrong on one hand but on the other Id said, well I may as well live up to them and enjoy myself. False joy. Crying yourself to sleep most nights wasn't joyful.
I lived this way until 5 years ago. I had open heart surgery and all these guys I was talking to at the time, not one called, texted, nothing. It hit me laying there... I really meant nothing of importance to them, so why was I making them so important in my life?!? I was so tired of being those words. I was so much more than just a warm body for a good few hours. I was 34 with major health issues, with an amazing little boy who needed his mom
After that, I kind of gave up on thinking Id find someone to love me and remarry. I worked and focused on my kid. Somewhere in there God found me worthy enough to bring my husband in my life. This man saw something in me that no one else saw. He saw a future. He saw someone who was worth taking time for. I saw someone who I knew I could finally rely on to make a life with. Someone worth taking that chance with. We're not perfect but I don't doubt our longevity.
It took me years to admit how much that guys words effected me. How I let some random person help shape my life. How they had that much power over me. I'm not putting blame on him for my actions. I'm the one who physically did it. But those words didn't have to be spoken. No one deserves to be told they'll basically never be truly loved.
I am so guilty of using my words to hurt people. Especially as a teen, when I saw something in others that I wanted so badly. I used my words to try and make them feel beneath me. I'd love to travel back to 13yr old me and slap myself across the face. I deserved so much more than that.
Our words can put people up on the highest mountain with the most beautiful view or they can bury them in the deepest darkest valley. I still struggle with my self esteem and I still struggle with how I use my words. I pray so hard that my children and godchildren never believe any bad that is said about them. I pray that I can teach them to know their worth in God and the world. I think all parents want this for their children. So we have to watch what we say and how we say it. We have to be the example. It starts with us
Dont let others words define you. YOU define you. Know that no matter what, there is someone out there who loves you and appreciates that you're in their life!!