Dear Diary,
Today was quite an adventure. I was able to sleep in...and then felt guilty for sleeping so much so I got up and had some brunch. A person in my math class has never had laffy taffy before so I told him I would bring him some. My math class is small so I decided to just get some for everyone. I was looking for bags of laffy taffy. I then set off on my quest. The buses are closed Sunday so I walked the entire time which is good because I need to make sure to exercise regularly and it was the first nice day in a really long time. I first went to Walmart and alas they did not have what I needed. I then went to WinCo and they didn’t have what I needed. On the way I did stop at a GameStop because who wouldn’t. I learned they have switch docks and that made me so excited because my family took mine and I wanted one so I could play with friends. I then stopped at Sam’s Club (I didn’t realize you needed a membership there) but I didn’t find anything either. Finally, the last place I was going to check was the dollar store and lo and behold they had bags of laffy taffy. In triumph, I headed back to campus, almost finished with my quest. I got back and ate something because I was freaking starving. I walked for about 2.5 hours and walked around 7.5 miles. My legs were aching so I went to my room and finished some homework and watched YouTube. After a while it was dinnertime and I went to the cafeteria to get food. I got a plate and sat down ready to eat but then as I looked at my food my appetite disappeared. I had to force myself to go down there in the first place and so now that my appetite was being weird I was frustrated. It was the weirdest feeling though. Like there was a force that was physically keeping me from eating the food. It was just so unappealing. I thought maybe it was because what I chose was the problem but nothing seemed good. I felt sick. I feel awful but I barely ate and threw away the plate of food. I feel really guilty about that. I have had this feeling before but not to the point where I just physically couldn’t eat it. I would put the food in my mouth and it took so much effort to actually chew and swallow. It was really annoying. So I just went back to my dorm and watched more YouTube. I know this isn’t very productive but I legit don’t have anything to do. I finished my homework for the next little bit and I was really tired from all that walking. Nighttime is my least favorite time. It causes me so much anxiety and I get so anxious knowing I have to sleep. That’s why I usually don’t go to bed until 3 in the morning because by then I am about to pass out. Even then though it takes me forever to sleep. I hate sleep. It has been such a fickle thing with me. There have been times where I could nap and then there are times where I pull all nighters. When I wake up in the morning I don’t want to get up. Why does my mind see sleep as a bad thing? It is so fucking annoying. Since my roommate has earlier classes now she tends to wake up earlier and that means going to bed earlier. My roommate is my timer for when I need to go to bed. Once she goes to bed I go to bed because I don’t want to disturb her. At least at dinner I didn’t feel so alone even though I was sitting alone. I have been hanging out with friends and meeting new people and it has been great. I have cousins I still text and my good friend Owen from back home. That was a great feeling to have. To be alone but not feel alone. I need to do laundry. I was going to do it today but I spent all my energy finding laffy taffy. But while I was in the cafeteria it felt like I was about to have a panic attack. My chest tightened and it became harder to breathe but I was able to push it down. It has come back but taking a warm shower while listening to music should fix that. I tried reeeeaaaally hard not to mention Lucas. I really did, but I did see him at breakfast today and I caught him taking a glance at me. He doesn’t know I caught him because I was looking down at my phone but at the same time knowing his presence. Again, I didn’t see CJ with him. They hang out a lot during meals so I have been really surprised. Maybe CJ figured out what happened or Lucas told him and he was disgusted with him. I know I sure am. Thank god for music. I would not be able to survive without it. I need to get a job. I have applied to so many places. I know it has only been like a week and a half but I really need the money. I’m going to keep looking. Jesus Christ. I kind of finally have my life together in this shaky tower. All it’s going to take is something out of the blue and it’s going to tumble. Knowing me, I know I just need to look out. My mom texted me today saying love you. I haven’t talked to my parents in about a week and a half. I don’t want to. I’ll work that out later. My mind keeps going back to Lucas’s mom’s comment about me being a man eater. Am I one? Actually scratch that I just looked at the definition and I am even more offended. I thought I had a good understanding of what a man eater meant. I thought it meant a girl who goes through men quickly but that’s not all of it. The definition is a woman who uses men to have a series of sexual relationships, but does not love the men. That is bullshit. I know Lucas told her more about my story so I bet she felt bad after saying that. Me? Using men for sexual relations??? ME???? I’m the one that’s scared of sexual relations!! I’m the one that sets all the boundaries for crying out loud. I’m the one that want’s to go as slow as an iceberg. Like what the fuck??? ME??? I just got a lot more offended. She didn’t know a single thing about me except that I have had two boyfriends in the past and she had this to say???? LIKE WHAT THE FUCK??? Also saying how the woman doesn’t love the men? I loved the guys I dated too much. I put them before myself. I let myself get pushed around. I remember when Lucas said how he liked me because I didn’t let people walk over me and that backfired in his face when I broke up with him because he was trying to trample me over lol. Saying that if things didn’t improve in three weeks we would break up. I broke up with his ass first. His grandma had quite the attitude towards me too. Thank god since I’m not with him I don’t have to deal with that. Lucas was low-key more of a man eater then I was, but for women. I wonder if that term even exists or if that is just a sexist term. I looked it up and women eater is a term but is rarely used. That makes me kind of mad actually. Well I guess there is the term like “player” which helps describe this better. But I feel like being a man eater has a much more negative connotation then being a player. Jesus I know I said I wouldn’t talk about Lucas but that was long. I am just so fucking mad. I am mad and fired up and sour. I should probably shower and go to bed. I’ll write later.
Also thank you guys for all the support. All of us are strangers but are here for each other. It really gives me hope. To be honest it is the highlight of my day to come here. It is a safe sanctuary where a community can come together and face the world together. I love yall so much!!!