Dear Diary,
Not much happened yesterday. I went out with friends for lunch and did some homework and did some drawing. My roommate is gone for the weekend and so I have the dorm to myself. To be honest not sure what I could do with my roommate gone. I’m just going to do the same old same old. Yesterday I also saw Lucas while I got lunch. Yesterday was his birthday and he looked miserable. Part of me felt a tang of sadness for him. I had stuff planned for Christmas and his birthday but since we broke up I didn’t do any of it. I am going to be honest this does make me sad. I wanted to see the delight on his face when I gave him his Christmas present. I didn’t buy the present yet so I don’t have to worry about returning. I was planning on giving him rollerblades, since he has never skated in his life and I wanted to rollerblade with him. Rollerblading is something that I love and I wanted to share it with him and he supposedly wanted to do it with me. I had a plan for his birthday but in the end if I followed through with it, it wouldn’t have ended well. I always thought this was the guy I would have my first time with safe sex with but in the end...it wouldn’t have gone well. I wouldn’t have felt safe being so venerable. But the tang of sadness only lasted for a second as I remembered what he said to me, what he did, what he didn’t do. Serves him right. He lost something great and he only has himself to blame. I am not going to lie though he was a handsome guy. He had rusty colored hair that was always clean cut due to being in the Air Force. He was fit from working out and doing PT. He was a couple inches taller than me. I don’t care to have a super tall guy. I would rather have them be a little taller than me but as long as the guy treats me right I don’t care as much. I remember him doing his sarcastic “ok, ok” whenever I said something silly or teased him about something. Him holding my hand as we walked anywhere together. I remember the night we had our first kiss. We walked around for about two hours and when we ended at the front of my building, we had an awkward kiss. It was his first one so he was pretty nervous. I remember as I went to my building and turned around, he was running joyfully back to his place. I remember us working on math practice and getting so rowdy that people would stare at us but we didn’t care. I remember us getting food together and talking. I remember him wearing his uniform and how handsome he was, how much pride I had in being able to hold the hand of such a handsome guy. I remember how he always wore his sunglasses when we went outside. I remember the first date I planned and how it didn’t go as I wanted and we were waiting on the curbside for the bus and that was the first time I cuddled with him. I grabbed onto his arm and snuggled into his side because it was so cold. We were on the bus and I put my head on his shoulder and was half asleep the whole trip back because I was exhausted. I remember the nights he stayed at my dorm for the night, how he put his arm around. Jesus Christ I need to stop. In the end he wasn’t good for me. What my friend said is true, that he just sounds like a guy that just wants sex and is impatient that he can’t get it. I just need to remember that. I can’t get sucked back in. I need to move on. As you can see all the memories I brought up weren’t about intimacy. I like intimacy but I liked the memories that weren’t. Us being a couple, us being best friends. Not us being intimate partners. I bet the memories he thinks of me are when we made out, how he could touch me. I bet those are the only things he misses. Not the times of us being a couple, us being best friends. I want a partner that I can be silly with, who isn’t consumed by the want of intimacy. I want to cry so much but I don’t want to. I don’t want to waste the energy. Songbird, (of course that isn’t my real name but I don’t want to put it out there), you need to keep strong. Don’t go back to him. He wasn’t there for you. It isn’t worth it. I know it is painful but don’t do it. It will just be more painful if I go back. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. I need to delete the pictures I have of him. I have tried but for some reason it is so painful to. Songbird, don’t do it. It isn’t worth it. Just remember of how you have been so happy being by yourself. How you have gone on walks and sat on the hill, looking at the mountains and listening to music. I have been so happy with friends. I have been happy drawing and listening to stories. Get out of the headspace.