Dear Diary,
I am writing a little earlier than I usually do so I might add more later. Today has actually been pretty chill. I don’t have any classes so I have been working on homework and my story. I am so picky with how it is coming out so I am already on my 6th draft for the first couple chapters. My grammar is awful and so hopefully I can work that out later. I just need to get the plot down. I think I already said how there is kind of a big plot hole I am trying to figure out and hopefully it turns out well. We will see. I hope the ones that have been reading it have enjoyed it. I have worked really hard on it. It has been an idea I have had for years. I haven’t seen Lucas at all which is a little strange. He is always at the places I am at to eat. Maybe he didn’t get a meal plan this semester so I don’t have to see him at all. To be honest it has been a relief to not see him. The weird thing is that I haven’t seen CJ either, which is Lucas’s best friend. I know he has a meal plan. Well, both of them are in the military so they might be out doing something. Hopefully they stay out there for a while. My dad just texted me. Saying how he thinks the world of me. Yeah right. If he thought that he wouldn’t have told me I wasn’t going to make it in the “real world”. How he was excited for me to go into the “real world” and experience the hardships. He wouldn’t have kept making comments about my body and diet. I just know after Christmas break I am not going to go back home for a really long time. My parents were rude and were mean. I don’t want to go back to that thanks. I have been feeling better now that I am more busy but my icky feelings are still there. I have done a better job hiding them ever since what my friend said. To be honest I have been thinking more and more about dying my hair. What I am worried about is how expensive it is. I have always wanted to get the tips of my hair dyed blue. Maybe one day. I also saw door guy today. I should probably explain that. Last semester there was always this one guy who would hold the door for everyone. I would go into hat building for English. Once my English class was done he would always still be there holding the door for everyone. I finally asked him why he held the door so much and he said because why not. I asked if it was a hobby jokingly and he was like lol I guess. Anyway, now whenever I see him around campus I point at him and go “door guy!!!” Then he smiles back at me and gives me a wave. We run into each other a lot more than you would think. Sometimes four times a day and every time I would still give the same greeting of pointing at him and saying “door guy!!!” I saw him in the library but I didn’t do it because it would have been loud lol. I actually don’t know his name lol and I don’t think he knows mine. That’s really funny. I guess he will just always be known as door guy. I finished a little bit of homework before lunch. About an hour and a half but I need to get back on track. I just have such a hard time focusing. I applied to two more places also and Olive Garden hasn’t gotten back to me. I need a job. I don’t want to have more student debt than I need to. During math class there was this one guy who kept wanting to talk to me and that made me feel good. I made more friends in math and it really lifted my spirits. I saw my other friend working this morning in the cafeteria and I said hi and we talked for a little bit. That was really nice. To be honest with me feeling better by myself it just makes me think that I might just be better off single. That makes me really sad because I want a partner but for the sake my mental health it might just be better. One more guy. One more guy and if it turns into a disaster then I am done dating for good. I don’t know who the next guy will be but when he comes along and if it’s the same story then I am done. Forever. It just proves that most, if not all guys, are just there for the sex. To be honest I have lost all faith in guys. It’s probably selfish of me to feel this way but I hope the reason why I haven’t seen Lucas is because he’s sulking in his dorm. I know it’s been a month. I need to be over this. It’s just what he said to me and did hurts. It really hurts. I am looking at my old diary entries and it hurts because in the end I always knew Lucas didn’t have good intentions. I wrote that October 27th. We started dating October 8th. That’s honestly sad that I knew. We had barely dated over two weeks and I knew something was off. I knew we would break up over my mental health and because he wasn’t there for me. Ok it is now later in the day. I did a two hour walk around campus and that was refreshing. I had dinner with a friend and that was great. I watched more YouTube than I would have liked, especially since school has started. I finished most of my homework for this week. I have two assignments due on Friday and I am halfway done with one of them. Also Olive Garden rejected me and so I need to keep looking around for a job. I can’t wait for the day when I am proven wrong that I am just more than an object. If that day ever comes. I don’t think it ever will. Every guy I see I get a feeling of disgust and fear. Always thinking what their real intentions are. I am going to do some more homework. I’ll update on what happens tomorrow.