Dear Diary,
I read through my entry yesterday and cringed. Yesterday was just not going for me. I feel better today, just really tired. I went to sleep at 7 am in the morning and woke up around 1 pm. I need to fix my schedule. I feel like I have been way too negative lately. It is so hard not to though. Life is so tough and it’s just hella annoying. I missed my bus three times today and that was just so annoying. My stomach hurts hardcore. It is so achey and it feels like needles are sticking the inside of my stomach. I need to do better to blow off steam and keep control. Losing control won’t help anything. I have decided I should learn how to meditate and try to do that everyday. I know it won’t be possible to do it everyday since once the semester begins I am going to have a lot on my plate but it is part of the process to not be hard on myself for not being perfect. I want to start jogging again. I think I mentioned that already before but these past couple days I have been walking a lot and rollerblading so I saw that as a substitute for those days. I also have been thinking about make up. I almost never wear make up and when I do I feel like I don’t look good in it but when it comes to self evaluation I can’t really trust it can I. I was thinking about experimenting around a little. But I also think that if I just practiced with what I do have it would look better. You see I only wear make up for special occasions and for ballroom competitions. Since I don’t do ballroom anymore that scratches that time off the list and since I barely have special occasions I just end up not wearing make up. I’m fine with not wearing it but it is just something I have been thinking about. I want to buy some new earrings but I don’t think my ears are ready for an earring change yet. I got them pierced during thanksgiving break and I do not want to risk getting them infected. I need to get my feelings under control. It doesn’t help me and it doesn’t help the people around me. I was also thinking how I should continue working on the story I have been writing. I don’t have much down but I have a pretty good idea how I want it to work out. There is one big plot hole I am trying to figure out but I am not at a point yet where I have to mention it....I think. It’s been a second since I have looked at what I have written. Oh jeez. I’m listening to music and it’s on shuffle and of course it is starting to play romance music. Ink heart is right. I need to be patient. I am only 18. I have a whole life in front of me. I am not evening planning on getting married until I am at least 25. I can’t rush the process. If I do I will get stuck with someone that doesn’t love me back and we don’t want that. My friend told me of a story where she was working and talking to this girl that was about my age, probably a little older. The girl told my friend how she was engaged and my friend asked her how she felt. The girl said well I don’t like him very much. I still think of that. It is just awful she is marrying someone she doesn’t like. It makes me think of all the possible scenarios like does the guy love her and she doesn’t love him back or do both of them not love each other. Either way it sounds horrid. I’m thinking about my parents marriage. I don’t think they know what an awful job they do hiding how much they fight and get angry at each other or maybe I am just observant. To be honest I’m surprised they aren’t divorced. My parents like to tell this one story that they think is funny but I find it terrible. It was really late at night so me and my siblings were asleep. Anyway my parents were fighting and my mom stormed off to sleep in the guest bedroom but on the way she fell down the stairs and injured her leg pretty badly. Anyway she was still so angry that out of spite she didn’t call for my dad for help and army crawled to the guest bedroom and no one know what happened until the next morning. She ended up with a boot and crutches for a while. Also when I was little and me my dad decided to just pick up my whole family and have us move to a different state for his job. He didn’t even tell my mom. He went to her and told her that she can either come with him or stay back and divorce. This was when my dad already set everything to move away in six weeks. She ended up going with him and she told me how this really tested her patience and she was really close to divorcing him. My dad made my mom leave her whole family behind. At the time we were living super close to family. Like a minute walk close to family. She left her parents and siblings. I have a lot of spite towards my dad for this but he doesn’t even know that I know this. I don’t really like either of my parents but this added a lot more anger towards my dad which is saying something since I am already so angry at him for so many things. Not going to lie my dad is a little bit of a creep. He has stopped this behavior towards me but I am worried about my siblings. My dad’s love language is physical touch which is fine but he would take it up a notch. He would touch me and what I mean is like on the leg or shoulder or arm but I hate getting touched by him because I hate him. I told him multiple times I don’t like getting touched and I set that boundary. He didn’t listen. He would reach out towards me and I would move away and he would get angry at me. One time when this happened I walked away and he got so angry and yelled “I’m the dad. I can do whatever I want.” Thats pretty concerning. Anyway it really hit a breaking point where me and my dad and siblings went to a movie and I sat next to him in the theatre (I didn’t want to but that was the spot that was left). Anyway around the beginning of the movie he reached out and put his hand on my thigh and that made me so unbelievably uncomfortable. I thought about it for the rest of the movie and day. I went to my mom to talk about it and how it made me feel uncomfortable. I told her I didn’t want her telling my dad. She did of course and he was in the kitchen where the rest of my family was and said in a passive aggressive tone “I’m sorry for touching your leg.” That was pretty weird and uncomfortable. This is a little more TMI but it is something I have just realized. Most of the nights my dad would sleep in the guest bedroom because his snoring keeps my mom up and he works really late. That means when do they have the time to do the dirty? There have been so many times I have gone up stairs in the middle of the night and both of them are doing their own thing. My mom in her room watching TV or sleeping and my dad playing video games or working. Also my dad quit/lost his job just a couple weeks ago. I don’t have much to say because I don’t live there anymore and I pay for a big chunk of my college. They help pay for housing but they don’t need to. It’s very kind of them. Anyway we had a bunch of my parents friends over and their kids and my mom was talking to one of their friends and I was there getting food and overheard what she said. She told their friend that if my dad doesn’t find a job in three weeks things are going to get ugly. She didn’t say exactly ugly, I don’t really remember, but I just know she meant that if my dad didn’t get a job she was going to lose her shit. I am not really sure what to think of that. I think it just shows how my mom doesn’t have much faith in my dad to find a job soon. It’s true though. Last time my dad lost his job it took him three months and maybe a bit more to find a job. When my mom said this at the time it has already been about a month since my dad lost his job. Maybe more. Yeah I am checking my texting time stamps and my dad lost his job around 11/6/24. That has actually been quite some time. This might sound insensitive but I don’t really give a shit what’s happening back at home. I have my life here at college and my parents have hurt me too much for me to care whatsoever going on. If they stopped paying for my rent I could do it myself. It would make me need to go to a bank and get a loan but that’s part of life, especially college life. I have more on my mind but too be honest I’m physically and mentally tired. Also I am going to start posting little bits of my story if anyone is willing to read just for funsies. Any feedback is weclome.