Dear Diary,
Christmas was fine, I am grateful I got anything but my parents did promise me spending money but never gave it to me. This is like the time my mom said she would pay for my clothes but never did. I will figure that out later. It’s just I don’t just want the money I need it to help pay for the summer. Any money I get is helpful. Anyway, I just played Spiderman most of the day and that made me feel meh because I was feeling lazy. I just want the next semester to start already. The break up has brought feelings in waves. I haven’t been able to sleep very well just because it sticks in my mind and I cry and I start watching YouTube to keep my mind off it and that can go for hours. It just hurts me so much because looking back Lucas never really respected me. I am so awful at standing up for myself. I don’t want to tell anyone but I bought some face masks to wear for mental comfort. I remember when I wore masks for covid and not going to lie I didn’t hate it. So many people were against it but I just find it comforting. I guess I just see it as an extra layer of protection for myself because I don’t want to be hurt again. They are cute masks so I’m not worried about that. I’m just going to tell everyone I can’t afford to be sick which is technically true. I am also insecure of my looks so it also helps cover up that problem. I just want something to help me feel secure and I feel like this will really help me. I am so mad at Lucas, he really did break me. Of course Nick started the dominoes but for him to hurt me like he did. He outright said how he wanted to break up because I wasn’t willing to make out as much and that he did see me as an object. Nick and Max never outright said it like that so it really stings. A mask will also help hide my feelings better hopefully. It seems like my feelings are kind of a problem. Also I was thinking about me being bi. I really think I am but my second guessing keeps me from truly confirming. Thinking of dating a girl isn’t a thought that makes me truly uncomfortable but it isn’t a thought that settles with me well. I really think it’s just because I have been raised to never like girls and I never thought I would and now that it seems like it is happening I don’t know what to think. I am to scared to ask a girl out or anything and so that makes me think I will probably marry a guy just because of my nervousness. I will be honest I do prefer guys over girls but that doesn’t mean I will never date girls. Lucas why did you do this to me. My confidence is on an all time low. He is probably sitting up at his house laughing and pretending it never happened and not be affected by our break up, while I’m sitting here being very affected. That is what’s unfair about toxic and unhealthy relationships, the break up never affects evenly. Well both parties can be toxic but in my instance where one is being toxic and the other one isn’t the one that wasn’t is the one that has to suffer the most. That doesn’t make sense to me. It isn’t fair. I was the one that put all the effort into the relationship, I was the one that was trying to keep the peace between my parents and Nick, I was the one that got stepped all over, I was the one that was made fun of for an eating disorder, I was the one that was objectified, I was the one who got hurt. Lucas is off thinking we ended on a good note when we didn’t. I am the one sitting here and crying, thinking of ways I can mentally and physically protect myself from future relationships. He isn’t doing that, he isn’t thinking of his next relationship on how they might objectify him or just be with him to make out. Part of me is like why can’t I just let this go? I’m just being dramatic why can’t I just drop this and move on? It is unbelievably frustrating. I want to just be able to leave these feelings and problems on the side of the road and drive away. Fuck you Lucas. Fuck you. I can’t believe you. That you would take advantage of a girl who is hurt and scarred from traumatic events. Maybe I am just being dramatic. I just need to focus on this new semester and move on. Did Lucas ever mean his I love you’s? Did he ever love me? Or was it just lust? I just want to hide and I guess that is another reason for wearing a mask. It helps me hide. Me wearing a mask probably means I’m a coward but to be honest I feel like I have been brave enough that I can afford to be a coward for at least a little bit. I hope it does make me feel better. Not just the mental comfort but also the physical comfort. The mask keeps my face warm and that makes me feel safer. I was thinking of the what if of if me and Lucas really did have sex. I imagined it. I thought of how I would present it to him as his birthday gift (which is kind of messed up now looking back and it just shows how little I think of myself) and how I would get a cheap motel room or something so we would have more privacy to ourselves. But then my brain starts to go haywire and can’t think of any good examples of the experience going good. I imagine me telling him my boundaries and then him later breaking them and saying that he “forgot” and brushing it off like it was nothing. I imagined me not being able to take it at all and burst into tears right in the middle of us having sex, feeling trapped and scared. The blackness swirling around me and threatening to swallow me whole. I imagined him getting impatient on how slow I wanted to go for my comfort and leaving me right then and there. My roommate said something that I have been thinking about a lot more and that was how if I even have the slightest doubt about having sex at a certain time with a certain somebody, it probably isn’t the right time for myself. I believe this but it makes me feel hopeless. I don’t know if I will ever be ready. I am not going to lie to myself I know I want to have sex. It is something I want to experience but with how slow I am making progress and this big step back I took because of Lucas I feel hopeless. I feel like if I can’t have sex I am worthless and no guy will want to date me. I know that is a very toxic way of thinking and can get me in a lot of trouble but I can’t help myself. I know intimacy is important in relationships and don’t get me wrong I love making out and kissing as much as the next person.....well kind of. I enjoy it if I don’t all of a sudden have a panic attack out of nowhere. I feel so broken. No one wants a broken partner. Thats why Lucas wanted to break up was because he saw me as broken. I broke up with him first to take back control of the situation but in the end he wanted to break up with me. I am broken, so so so broken. I don’t know how to fix myself. No one has any use for broken things. I am broken beyond repair. No one will ever want to love me for me. I am nothing but someone to be taken advantage of. I will never be valued for who I am. Do I even deserve it at this point? I am just sad and feeling broken all the time and not pushing forward without breaking down. Maybe I just have no value. I keep watching YouTube shorts, the ones that have mini reddit stories on them. There are ones about partners who will do anything they can for the other, not giving up on them when they have given up on themself. Helping their partner every step of the way, no matter how hard it gets. Stories of partners helping each other discover self love and a deeper love for each other. Stories of two people uniting to conquer what seems the unconquerable. Stories of people doing acts of love for each other to show how much they actually care. What I got was a boyfriend who just made fun of me all the time. Making fun of me for liking common “white girl song” that was on every white girls playlist. Making fun of my eating disorder. Making me feel bad for not doing a good enough job of holding it together. (Lucas) A boyfriend who pushed me for physical touch when I wasn’t ready. A boyfriend where I was always the one driving to their place and paying for gas. A boyfriend who made me feel bad for being able to go on a trip of a lifetime to Europe and not being able to go with me. (Max) A boyfriend who raped and sexually assaulted me. A boyfriend that has left me in an ongoing paranoid state. A boyfriend that had isolated me from everyone else to the point where I felt I was so alone. A boyfriend that made me feel so awful about myself and so guilty that I wanted to commit suicide. (Nick) To be honest when I journal I just let everything out, which is what journals are for, but it just surprises me how much I am actually holding in. How much I am damming up, to keep from bursting and flooding the lives of everyone I know. There are leaks definitely but no one knows my true pain. I guess if they read my journal they will have a better idea but even then know one will truly know because they can’t be me. I just want to be loved, but that seems too much to ask for.