Dear Diary,
I miss sitting in the long grass. I miss the insects I would spy on.
I miss seeing the trails a snail would leave on the cement ground outside my front door. I miss catching the grasshoppers green 💚 and brown 🤎 big and small. I miss seeing the cacada shells. I miss spotting a green tree frog. I miss the the patches of red on my old puppy. Even though we never got along. I miss seeing the spots on a lady bug and counting the black spots on its shell. I miss the black flying ants. And how protective they look. I miss the glistening shine of the Christmas beetle shell. I miss hearing the bats at night in our mulberry tree. I miss the Easter bunny And I miss the feelings I used to get waking up every morning🌄 and feeling great!! I miss the shells at the beach. I miss the colours of the coral in the ocean. I miss the rainbow fish. I miss the salty air on my tongue. I miss the shade. I miss the pieces of me that used to be there. A life I live now is one dictated and controlled. Appointments and treatments. Questions as to my existence from the professional doctors , psychologists, physiatrists, nurses I often have to visit and talk to.
I miss my freedom. I miss having feelings. I want them back!
Give them back to me whoever stole them.
I miss the wind in my long hair.
I miss being able to live and it not being because of money. I love you though teddy. Always there with me. Teaching you, reading to you, learning from baby born toys to look after you. I loved my dolls! I love how much I believed in you. I love how I knew you would be here with me one day. Out here. I didn't mean for it to be such a bad world all of sudden. How hard life became for both of us. How everybody wedged us apart. How it was always me and you then it wasn't. For four years. I fought for you. I did everything I was told to do. Said no to questions so strange. All in hopes to be closer to you. A need to be with you. So strong.
I love how protective of me you are. I love the way my eyes whispered when I first saw you how beautiful you are. Blondie!!!
Amazing.
Upside down Green and brown eyes.
Healthy smile.
Super cutie. Super smart. Super duper. Hehehe. 😉
I remember looking down and seeing you inside your eyes. Man.
In the dark.
You found me.
And me never wanting to let you go.
My teddy bear.
I'm sorry about all the tears you cried. Not believing your eyes with me not in them anymore. For days. For weeks. For months. For years. Birthdays, wishes for us to be able to see each other.
Then we
Hurt.
Now.
I like to roll over and cuddle you when your sound asleep. I like to feel your heat. I like to see if I press my palm against your skin if you react to it and cool down at my touch. I like how creamy your skin is. I love your deep moss coloured eyes. And how your mischievous and your eyes darken. I like how you try to match my dark eyes.
I hate being so miss understood.
But you understand me.
You think I'm beautiful too.
I still see your eyes opened for the first time. I can tell your telling the truth. Hehehehe. Cutie
I like to fill your belly up with laughter and tickles. I like to brush your rose shaped hair lines. Around and around. I like your little cows lick. I like your little wandering feet around mine. I like how creative you are. How you look at things intently. With awe. I love how passionate you are my teddy bear. Your very very surprising to me and also a very sweet person. I like how you do react to my touch. I like your lips. I love how smart you are. I like the way your mind works and thinks. How well blended you make two minds work in one. You make sense.
I love how creative you are in the arts and english. I love listening to your stories, like roaring fires and safety of cigarettes. And how you make them up in your mind and let me go on a journey with you as I imagine it too with you. I like being here with you. I miss you. Like right now. You would fill me up with all this just by you being here and me looking at you. You're funny.
I did say, before we got seperated.
Please don't take my sunshine away. As if I knew.
As if it was already made up.
As if I had no choice.
As if I had no chance.
It was always already going to happen. I'm sure it will make more sense to me soon. But for right now in fragments the person responsible is jo___a and his piglet family that now call you family. I will make sense soon.
It's close.
Why me.
&
Why you my little innocent baby Theodore.
But I know now that we can be together one week at a time and we don't waste any time.
Even though they have still medicated me heavily and sleep feels more and more harder to fight, even in the day time!
I hate having my kryptonite needle every month. For the past four years. I hate having to tell everybody yes I'm okay. Yes I'm not hearing strange unwanted voices. That I'm capable of just being normal.
I hate
How
They have made into something I'm not.
I'm not a psychopath.
I hate how I can't speak my mind to a question that's asked to me. How it's sick and that it must be because I'm unwell again. And again. And again. And again.
My Mum just says I just think different that's all. And well I don't see the harm. ?¿
She says to me.:
"Everyday and in every way I'm getting better and better. "
Man, I want to drink.
But I accidentally spent my money on the online pokies.
Damn.
Im literally just laying here in my little bedroom like a fried pancake lol. Yumm pancakes. I want to eat them now lol.
I don't like syrup on them, my brother likes them.. I like Vegemite. Vegemite basically on everything. I ate Vegemite sandwiches for literally 12 years every single day of my life for little lunch. Its great.
I like snorkeling. It's like peaking into another world.
I like the city. I love the feelings of the Brisbane City. I miss catching the bus by myself... Hey! And walking around the different shops and art museums and the big city library over at Southbank. I have never swam in the southbank bank pool. Ew. Like gross. Lol. Too packed. I miss the fireworks at the cities river whenever riverfire is on each year..
Boys are so cool. 😎
Go boys!
They just seem so smart , talkative, cute and shy and stuff.
Yay for a son.
Boys in my life.
Dads smart, willpower, fast, efficient, gets the job done, rich, always busy, smokes weed, has lots of friends, likes my music, BFF basically. He's feminine. He's thought provoking, He likes the moon too. He is a god chef and chief. Haha. Oh yeah nah yeah he's really funny. Typical dad jokes. He can make me talk about my day and makes me talk about how I feel and how it's always sad in the end. But after the tears it's better. And everything is okay. He makes me myself realise. He likes mashed potatoes. No kidding. He has nice arms. A mole in the inside of his elbow with a long hair in it haha. I like it. I like his driving when he isn't being radical. Typical boy driver. He sticks up for mum. Who literally doesn't give a fuck abut anyone. She will try to bash a man if he's being rude to her. They like to keep there romance a secret. So secret I get a bit scared so I liked to try to cook dinner for them sometimes with candles and stuff. I would try to get inside the locked doors they would hide behind.
I sometimes think I caused them to not be romantic with me sleeping in their bed for eighteen years and thirteen years for dad. I like the feel of there presence around me. It's like the light, the wind, the darkness, the water.
I should have a lil break and have a ciggies. None of the drug dealers are answering me right now.. sigh.
I have no money for alcohol.
No milk in the fridge for a proper coffee. Drinking a black cup of coffee tastes like a third world drink. Like dirt and water.
This man lived to 100 from eating soil every day. 1 kg a day. What the heck. Wel he said he was hungry and poor.
Aw. . .
The Weeknd playing through my headphones 🎧.
Hmm. I wish Teddy was here
I was trying to say before. I shouldn't have to be like this. I shouldn't have to feel like this way. I shouldn't have to live like this any much longer.
Doing drugs to pass the time.
Drinking to numb the pain. Smoking to relax through this ongoing drama.
Rawr.