Dear Diary,Today’s November the 15th 2024. I have a pit in my stomach, a nudging feeling that never leaves me. The feeling of guilt, the feeling of hopelessness, the dread of never into the university that I imagined. Its this feeling of being left out, of being no where, feeling that your worthless. I don’t like this feeling. Its not like me to feel this way. I just got another bad news. The university that I applied to in China said they are no longer offering BDS, the course that was supposed to study. I hate this day. Insofacto I have hated this year ever since it started. This year has brought about nothing but disappointments. My throat hurts and my head aches. I am developing a fever as I write. I am about to make a big decision. The decision that will impact my life forever. Now I always been kind of the independent person, the one to handle everything on my own, maybe its bc I have no one to go to or maybe just because I think the only one who can give me the best advice is myself. Everything around me is a whirl. I get up each morning thinking I have something to do in this world, that I am here for a reason. As the days pass and the year ends I feel like I am losing hope, like maybe there was no reason for me to be here. How much disappointment can a small heart take? I used to love my life, everything was so shiny and pretty. I was so pretty and healthy. Now I don’t feel good at all. All those weights I lift in the gym are weighing me down. I have too much inside me, I am filled to the brim and I am about to burst. I need to make a good decision, a very good one, I cannot fail, I never do. I never give up but something just tells me to. It’s the universe giving me signs. I just think at 2024 has not been one the best years for me at all. It was filled with awkwardness and loneliness and depression and sadness. The first sadness was my Alevel result. I never quite got to writing about that. It was kind of just a surprise. A really bad one!. Anyway thats all for now. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.