September 27, 2024

youre such a sweetheart i dont even know what to say... hold your sisters close dear stranger, despite having 4 (3), i spent my teens alone, after a childhood where i was constantly surrounded by people. I don't know why im rambling about this but... yeah, hug your sisters haha. Our fathers are definitely similar... i was only 4 when my mom divorced him so i dont remember the time when they were together, my father was always kind to us and never touched a drop, which makes all the more confusng when i hear about what he was like before. anyway, thank you dearly for all the kind words my stranger, and you are so, so right. Never in any life would i ever treat anyone like i treat myself, i HAVE to learn that im worth the same as everyone else. Anyway, again, your message means so so much, knowing you listen and understand is just... such a precious thing 💛

PS: I never been on your shoes, I cannot imagine what losing a sister must feel like (I have two of my own, and even the thought of not having them in my life anymore feels unbearable). Still, once more, I'm floored by the similarities between us. My father is also an alcoholic, though he'd never admit to it, he also had a father who albeit not an alcoholic was very restrict and beat him a lot. My father is not particularly cruel, but he does have a temper, and I have some unpleasant memories from my childhood (some of them so painful they're still capable of making me chocked up even nearly fifteen years later, and no, we are not too sentive for being affected by things that hurt us this deeply). I know it's hard to step out of the vicious cycle, but please, give yourself some grace. Give yourself time to feel, be angry, grieve, allow yourself forgiveness. I know it's hard to fight that voice that says we are not worth but that voice is wrong. You're so kind, so full of compassion, you showed so much generosity towards me in every one of your messages, it kind of hurt me to read this, to see you be so mean to yourself. Would you ever talk this harshly to a friend? Would you ever talk like this to me? I know you wouldn't, and so please, please, be kind to yourself, give yourself the same compassion you give a friend, the same generosity you gave me.

I wanted to say I know how you feel, but I probably don't, but I just wish so hard that I could make it better anyway. I wish I could say something that would relieve you from this pain, but even in my head words like: nothing is wrong with you, it's not your fault, please don't blame yourself, this pain will pass, you will be okay — are all true but just sound too trite, almost callous. So, if I can't offer words, I'll offer company. I'm here for you, my stranger. 💙

yes, at least we are here i guess. I know too well the feeling of utter conundrum when it comes to "what is wrong with me." it haunts me at least once in a month, I like to believe it is because of all that happened to me but i am convinced deep down that it is just me. but i know one thing, we will never have an answer to it, so just wing it when it comes to life. i mean everyone else is also doing it, why can't we?