Yesterday was the saddest day of my adult life.
Hi future J,
I travelled on Saturday to surprise a childhood friend, G. I had not been as excited about anything in my life as I was on that day. It felt like I was doing the most wonderful thing I could ever do. I'm sure this is what it must feel like when mountain climbers have 2 more steps to the peak. I don't think I've ever felt that way before. It was like the most important thing I'd ever do in my life.
The excitement was confusing, I truly didn't get it. I was convinced I was done, sort of how dying people who must feel when they know they are close to the end of their lives. I sent a message to my next of kin and a trusted friend, detailing all my assets and how to get them in case I couldn't. I felt a little relieved after that. I felt like: "okay, I'm ready. I can die now."
But fortunately (or unfortunately) I didn't die. That's how the entire trip was...
...a rollercoaster of feelings
The next day was Sunday, the d-day. The plan of the trip simple. I had previously planned a 2 hours 'call' with G from 10am to 12noon. I was to go to G's church, tap her on the shoulder and "surprise". Then we were supposed to be together from 10am (when church would be closing) to 12pm (when she has to go to her class). Then I'll begin my 7 hours trip back to my house.
Perfect, right? Far from it! I got to her church by 8am, service ended a few minutes before 12 am and I didn't see her. She had not replied to messages or calls and I thought: "I've blown this, I didn't plan properly." I was sad. But I was also angry that she had not picked up or replied my messages even though we had a plan to talk that day. I stuck around at the church for a few minutes, then headed back to the hotel to get my things and leave.
But I didn't. She called a few minutes later, I didn't want to pick up, so I didn't. I packed my things, than messaged her to say that I came around and wanted to surprise her. She asked that I stayed, and I did, of course. I saw her at 4:30pm, we spent an hour and a half together and o boy, it was beautiful.
The beautiful thing is the fact that my old-time crush is sitting right there in front of me. I loved that experience. I don't want a relationship with G, I just like her. In fact, I realized later that I just like what she represents: my past, which in my head is more beautiful than my future.
Well, I went home, had a call from 4 different women who normally don't call me (which I thing is very strange). One of them was A, whom I had a relationship with in the past. At the end of the of call, I started thinking: "returning to a relationship with this lady might be best for me." I didn't understand why I felt so, I totally forgot how lonely and alone I felt in that relationship.
Anyway, I spent another 2 hours with G again the next evening. Talked about a everything, and went back home.
Yesterday was the day to leave, and everything about yesterday caused me sorrow.
I had the exact opposite of the feelings I had on my way to Abuja; I felt like I had just had the best moments of my life and I'm never going to have any again. I cried the entire 7 hours from Abuja back home.
But something good happened to me. I didn't bury the feelings and thoughts in social media, videos or work. I just watched them. Carefully. You know what I found?
1. It's all connected
I think there is a connection between my feelings for G, my excitement about visiting Abuja, and the sorrow associated with my leaving. Somehow, I look to the past to find beauty, and all I see in my future is responsibility (at best), or fears and risks (at worst). I see hope in the future, but not hope for me, no. I see hope for others, for my country, for Christianity. The reason I see this hope sometimes is because I know something can be done. I know even if only I play my part things will be better - my part is enough 'good news' for mankind, Nigeria and Christianity. But I realized I have no faith in my own future. I'm not looking forward with good expectations for myself, just work. And G is part of the reason I think this.
On the first day we met, we were talking about why we had not spoken for years prior.
"well, I thought, since you're now a lawyer you must be very busy, so I stopped trying to reach out." I said.
"...but have you not heard that people make time for what is important to them?" she asked.
"Well, I chose to believe that you were busy because I didn't want to believe you just refused to take calls or reply messages." I said, thoughtfully.
"So you made up an excuse for me instead." She asked. At this point I could see her point: I'm making excuses for her because I want to avoid pain. There was a glow in her eyes at this point. I could tell that she was now convinced of what she had told me on my birthday a few months ago: I have self-esteem issues and that might be the reason I don't stand up for myself and request reciprocity from my relationships.
"Yes. I guess." I said, and immediately changed the topic.
The next day during our next dinner date, I realized that when I look at my future, I only see the possibilities that things might go wrong, and as a result I try to prepare for, and prevent that trouble as much as is possible. I realized that all my investments and savings are geared towards preparing for, or preventing future trouble.
I think that somehow because I feel so connected to G and because I feel so free around her, I get to see my true self (in all it's rubbish) more easily when talking with her. She doesn't even have to point it out, I'll see it myself rather quickly maybe because I'm not trying to meet any standard with her. For one, she helped me see (on my birthday this year) that I had almost no self-esteem, that I rely on others for a sense of worth. She was right and I didn't feel the need to defend myself. That was a huge miracle.
This is why I hold on so much to the past - that's where beauty is. My future is work, responsibilities, and more work. This is why I'm thinking my best relationship, my best friends, my best life are all behind me. That's why I always consider going back to bring them to the present.
2. I am wasting away
Another thing I realized is this: I am wasting my life. I am not doing what I can do to fix problems. I have neglected my responsibility to the world. I started thinking this when kids came up to me begging for food. For God's sake, why are there children begging for food on Tuesday morning in the centre of the country's capital, Abuja? Why? It was torture for me to sit there for 4 hours (while wating for my bus) and have them come one after the other and just stand next to me. Why is this allowed to happen during school hours? What happened to the Federal Government's School Feeding Programme?
I know not all problems are MY problems, but this problem reminded me that I'm not solving my problems. I pay school fees for a few kids in school, but not nearly enough. I can do more. How do I know?
Well, I don't work nearly as much as I can. If I work more, I can earn more, and then I can help more people. I'm lazing around with the gifts that I have received.
Oh, and did I mention that I almost paid for 'company' during this trip? Yes. Almost. And it will not be the first time. Do you know how many times I've almost spent my money on a hooker. I've never gotten myself to do it not because of morality or fear of God, also not because it is wasteful. I have always ran just because at the tail end I start feeling uncomfortable with the idea. I often start the process and just when it's time for them to show up, I cancel. But each time my reservations are reducing, my determination is collapsing. I think I'm just 3 more attempts close to actually going through with this. It won't cross my mind again because of what I have learnt yesterday.
But my point is this: I have the guts to consider spending money to get someone to do something wrong.
While I looked at the kids, the thoughts bothering me were: these kids are not in school because they are hungry; meanwhile, my money, which I have worked hard for, and which I have received by the Holy Spirit's help, is what I'm about to spend to sponsor the proliferation of immorality. Money that can pay for ads to support a young person's legal and legitimate business was almost paid to keep one more person in prostitution.
I am a total waste of resources. Complete waste.
These are good realizations.
I think so. But whether or not they are good, they are true. Also, they wouldn't have happened without three things:
This trip made it happen. Although it cost me the school fees of 8 primary school children, but I'd do it again if I can go back to last Saturday.
This realizations won't happen if I didn't meditate on my own thoughts and feelings. I need to do more of that. I do private retreats, but I need a lot more of that.
But none of the other two would have been possible without G. I don't think I'd take that trip for anyone else. I also don't think I'll be so vulnerable with anyone else.
I need a G in my life.
Another G. I don't want this one for the same reason why I have always been comfortable with just crushing over her: we are from 2 different worlds and it'll be too hard to find some middle ground. But it's not like I have any chance now anyway.
But I'm not going around looking for that. I'm more focused on something else now.
Here is what I'll do instead
I will focus my gaze on the things I have to do, on fixing the problems that I have been given and answering the prayers I have been placed here to answer. I will live like I'm a machine, like I am here for others. I will stop expecting anything from anyone.
Taking care of myself isn't something I will worry about any more. My singular hope is to find someone who will know that they have been sent to take care of me.
I will stop thinking about relationships, about people, about myself.
I will stop trying to fit a mould. I will be what I have to be, when necessary. I will fill the mould for the season, and change it when it's another. I will stop worrying what people think, how to please people, etc. Unless my desires, fears and concerns are directed by the Holy Spirit, I will not entertain them.
I will stop being me.
The time for thinking, worrying and expecting is past.
This is the time for doing.
It's true, this diary has seen similar statements in the past, but it definitely has not seen a similar me. Because I'm done being J.
Nature has had it's run, 30 years later and it's time for me to stop being myself, and just start being who I should.
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