Hi Josh,
I cried all night.
Why do I always feel betrayed? Why don't I have people that can stand by me. Maybe asking for selfless friends is too much, but why can't people in my life just reciprocate how I feel and act towards them? Is that too much to ask? Is something wrong with me?
Yesterday I had to borrow money from a loan shark app - 12,000. I needed to send mom 10,000 and I didn't have any cash in hand. I had requested for a withdrawal from one of my accounts of 60,000 that takes just a day to arrive. But I had to borrow from an app that charges you 20% interest in 2 weeks.
I have friends who I've helped in thier own hard times in every way, but I cannot count on any one of them, especially those who I've helped the most. I have friends who do nothing for me. Our entire relationship is about what I get to do for them. What is wrong with me exactly?
I'm a lonely young man, not by choice. But I've settled with the fact that although I'm the brother that will stand beside everyone, I cannot count on anyone.
I run awya from that fact as much as I can, and I tried to yesterday. But I couldn't sleep for hours and I broke down at around 1am when I just surrendered to the fact - I'm by myself.
I need to truly be alone, I need to accept this and let everyone go, start afresh. But how can I do that to them? How will I help them if I let them go?
See what I'm saying? I'm thinking of letting people who are never truly there for me go and I feel like I'm doing something bad.
What is wrong with me?
It's alright.
I got consoled when I realized there's one person that perfectly understands my position; the one person whose best friends betrayed and denied, the one person who does good for everyone but everyone around him is there because of what they get from him, or because they have to. I got consoled in the image of Jesus in that night when Peter denied him and walked away.
That's the only reason I could sleep.
But it's a new day. The fact that you exist is proof that I did get past this. So, we keep going.
I did everything I planned for yesterday and worked more than I had planned. I just realized today that I've no longer been adding "avoid lust" to my daily tasks, it has become too easy that it almost isn't a problem.
I've been saying no to both thoughts and people. Well, I've not been saying 'no' to people exactly, I'm too nice to do that. I've just been telling stories and giving excuses to get out of lustful situations. It's easy now because I'm in a moment of strength, but if I continue like this they will get me in my weak times. I really don't want to cause anyone pain.
But I know enough now to know that this is a dangerous place to be in. If I'm not careful, I'll be back in masturbation, pornography and lust. It's important to keep it in my mind for now.
I just had a different thought: maybe I need to put something else in my thoughts. How do you keep the opposite of lust in your mind while also not ignoring the potential for lust?
What would I have done by the end of today? I'd have:
spent 3 hours in reserach work (there's currently no electricity, but I will if it comes)
spent 30 minutes reading a book
dropped all devices by 10pm
actively avoided lust in all its forms
started researching data for the essay competition (more about it tomorrow)
The more progress I make the more I see that I need to do. Is this normal?
Anyway, see you later.
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