August 06, 2024

Dear Diary, I think I'm depressed or maybe I'm not? The mood swings I have are just crazy... In the morning I searched for some YT English soft spoken videos and I got one with the girl with glasses and brown background I played it and 2 mins in (maybe even less than that) and she was so pretty her features were so pretty that It was hurting literally I teared up that pang in the chest I feel whenever I see a beautiful girl is worst. 

It was raining today around 5pm and I just sat on terrace letting the rain fall on me it was such a good feeling kinda cold but def doing again I was so happy that time I love rain.

I was feeling a bit better after showering and then Kitty took Tengen in mudae I clearing wished for him and she was ignoring me at first but now she isnt giving me him back like gurl? I'm so mad rn its just a character why am I so mad...? 

I want to improve my designing skills so I designed a poster in the morning I've got a shitty ass phone so I thought I'll edit it on that once she comes back. She came phone and both mom and dad came and literally sit in front of my face like whatttttt

I hate it when I don't get my space I like to be alone most of the time until unless I'm veryyyy comfortable with that person. I got tired and gave her phone back I even shouted ig 'FINE TAKE IT BACK!" and they left immediately after I gave phone.

I'm fucking 20 years old got no social life no courage to talk to ppl hate ppl in fact, maybe depression and a damn lot of social anxiety I've locked myself up rn in my room and crying. 

I get they want me safe and stuff and overprotection kills love fr. I makes you feel suffocated sometimes.

These are days I feel like I shouldn't exist I believe in soul and life after death too but I want like no 0 void turn off the system NOT EXISTING IN BOTH BODILY AND IN SOUL LEVEL 

I hate this man after rain I was feeling so fresh and now I'm a crying mess totally

I swear once I move out for job I'm not coming back here to stay Obv I'll come to visit