My body has betrayed me... The day after I posted the previous entry, I saw a reddish discharge on my underwear. Now, two days later, my period has officially come. This ruins my plan of having slightly bigger boobs by Sunday... This is totally unprecedented because my tracker's prediction says I'll have my menstruation next week. I am nine days too early. That explains why my breasts feel tender these last few days while I thought it was just a fluctuation of my hormones.. That explains why lethargy felt heavier on me and my body more fatigued.. That explains why I cried in the shower believing it was only because I hate Lancelot.
Ugh. This is not how I envisioned things to unfold since last month at all. I'm supposed to enjoy my voyage and now I have dreadful stomach cramps. To make it worse, I also have diarrhea. It would be bearable if I only had to take the ferry, but no, I must also endure a two-hour bus ride to get there and the bus doesn't have a toilet. At least in the ferry, there's a bathroom..
Tonight's my departure. I hope I'll feel better by then… Unable to leave my niece alone lest she'll climb the couch and fall, I have to take her with me each time I go to the bathroom because my older sister is working and can't attend to her child.
“Huh? That is so weird. SHE'S JUST INSIDE THE BATHROOM?” my younger sister said when I messaged her about my predicament.
Her: “What does she even do in the bathroom? HAHAHAHAHA. Do you have a pic?”
Me: “She plays with the water. And no, lmao.”
All my life, I've been a pad girl but I think for the first time, I'll finally try tampons. The reunion is in two days and it would be weird to wear a pad beneath my bikini.. I entrusted my little sister with the purchase because, being situated in the countryside, convenient stores here are really far; not like in the city where they are within walking distance . I had no idea they're so costly. Compared to pads, at least. I settled for the cheapest one, which is around 8 dollars for 20 pieces because I wouldn't be using all of them anyway. Originally, I wanted the pink pack because of its more comfortable and aesthetically pleasing appearance but it costs around 20 dollars and I'm a little short on budget right now because I bought several things online..
Crap. I just googled why tampons are more expensive and I read something that scares me into shoving it inside me anymore. It poses a higher risk of Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS) ..
Universe, what are you trying to tell me? Do you not want me home? Do you find amusement in my misery as you shower me with more? Or do you simply deny me fun as some kind of protection from a tragedy that may befall upon me should I ever attend the reunion?
First, my period.
Second, diarrhea.
And now, my conveyance.
For two hours, I stood outside the subdivision waiting for a bus that would take me to the terminal only to face disappointment as each one passed me by. Every single one was full. Even the vans. I watched others who waited like I did—and who even arrived later—leave before me. My legs ached because I had nothing to sit on. My back hurt from bearing the weight of my backpack for so long. Nearby, an old man was sharpening his machete at the front of a small variety store. Being a stranger in this town, horrific thoughts crept their way into my mind to assume awful things about the situation. In my head, I imagined that once done, the man was going to attack me out of sheer impulsive desire. I endeavoured to walk away but being near the subdivision still gave a sense of security. Moreover, my legs were too tired to take a walk so I just remained there hoping the old man wasn't a flesh-craving lunatic.
Oh, but I judged him wrongfully! Turns out he was a kind and gentle soul. He noticed I've been standing there for far too long so he gave me a chair to sit on. And he also helped try to get transport for me by signaling to buses and vans. To make me feel even worse, he had a noticeable invalidity. His upper arm seemed to be broken in a conspicuous twist. I wondered how it came to be that way...
The last trace of the sun's light was almost devoured by the night. I felt miserable. And this misery, so great its size was, seemed to have swallowed the rest of my pain. My cramps have left me and I no longer have a nagging discomfort in my stomach that demands a toilet. Such relief didn't arouse celebration and I found myself pondering whether I would rather have the discomfort still with me so long as it would pacify my waning patience by securing me a ride. When two hours had passed, my sister's husband, on his motorbike, soon came to my rescue. We waited for some 30 minutes together and still to no avail. He decided we should go to another location where he deemed it easier to catch a transport. We both thanked the old man and left the confounding area. Waited for another 30 minutes in the new spot he suggested. Again, no luck.
My excitement lost its vigour. I left the house at four in the afternoon and returned at seven, crestfallen. I felt so disappointed. Plans have changed. I depart on the morrow. But it won't be a ferry anymore but a fast craft. Which means it won't be a 6-hour voyage where I can leisurely lie in bed and relax and feel like I'm having a brief vacation. I was so ecstatic to traverse the sea again during the night and now I have to do it in broad daylight with a person sitting next to me because there's no bed…
When I performed my usual household duties later that night, I lamented at the thought that by this hour, I would've been savouring the fresh breeze of the ocean, letting my thoughts run free with delight as the wind, had the universe been kinder to me and granted me a bus… Instead, I was washing dishes, sweeping and mopping the floor with depressive thoughts that don't provide pleasure to my spirits at all. This reunion was my light in the dark tunnel and I was looking very forward to it. I endured the labour that comes with nannying and household duties because I knew that after two months, I'd be rewarded with a holiday. I have no day-off. Everyday, I have to wake up early. My sole solace lay in the occasional Sunday mornings my sister allowed me extra sleep, usually only happening when I would hear her opening the door to my room, ready to disrupt my dreams, and my brother-in-law saying: “Just let her sleep for some more.” Which I am utterly grateful for. The minutes and hours I lavishly wasted when I was in the city for gluttonous sleep now to me is a luxury I can't afford. I miss it profoundly. Now, every extra second I can spend for myself here counts and is oh so precious.
Sigh. I was supposed to go with Blaire tomorrow to visit our elementary school but I guess that's kaputt now.
My sister said it's because I was too excited. She's right. To hell with being excited anymore. When you care too much, you just get hurt and disappointed. I don't think Raul would even attend the reunion. Oh, well.
I'm gonna cry myself to sleep tonight again.