Dear Diary,
One doesn't know what one wants. One feels tired of fighting all the illusions one has created in one's mind. One wonders why one keeps thinking about all those people who gave nothing to oneself except traumatic memories. One wonders why one wants to prove oneself to them. One wonders why one wants to be like them. One wonders and keep wondering. One wonders why do they even matter. One wonders why does one wants their validation. One wonders why one seeks connection. One wonders why one wants to feel loved and accepted for what one is. One is confused. One is afraid of failure while knowind failure is an illusion itself, a societal construct to make people feel less worthy. One wonders why oen engages oneself in thoughts about them. One wonders why one fights all those thoughts while knowing all those thoughts are nothing but illusions created by the mind. One wonders why does one's mind keep generating those thoughts about them. One wonders why does one's mind keep believing in those thoughts while knowing those thoughts are mere illusions. One wonders why one wants their forgiveness while knowing they were the ones who hurt oneself. One wonders how to forgive oneself. One wonders and keeps wondering. So many questions, very little answers. One wonders if one wants to be in touch with them ever again, one keeps wondering, but one knows deep doan that one doesn't want to reconcile. One doesn't want to indulge in any conversation anymore. One wonders how to believe in oneself again, one wonders how to live for oneself again, one keeps wondering and one doesn't know what to do anymore. One wants to learn and study and overcome one's fears, but one is distracted and worried, wasting time and energy by indulging in filth. It's been years, one is fighting this inner battle, feeling all alone and not loved, while knowing true loves comes from within.One doesn't know what to say or how to feel. One is just tired and is seeking peace.