Dear Diary,
Now i am going completely crazy. It's 3 o clk, i cannot sleep.
Things feel just so mixed up right now, i dont know what to believe in, or how to live at all.
I'll start from my day. In the morning i was thinking about my values and who i am. And i thought i would write to you about it. I wanted to write about surendra that, i kept lending him money again and again whenever he asked. I did not let the thought of him making me a fool win over the thought of helping someone in need without judgement.
That's who i am, a nice person. I'll do good without caring about the respect. I am believer of Ram Das, who says i should love everyone without expecting anything in return, without labelling anyone. That i should love unconditionally.
But then since yesterday, things are happening, which makes me think otherwise.
Last night at the game, when we were all telling one good thing about ourselves, i was talking about me never giving up, but there were people, who understood that i meant that i am very patient and calm.
People look at me and they say you are too calm and patient. They read me as a too nice person.
I met with Komal's doctor today (I'll tell you about komal in a while).
He looked at me and said, you cannot be this soft with her, you have to be a Man. 🥵
When i first met komal, at the end of the meeting she told me be more positive about myself.
In the second meet she said i agree a lot with her.
And then i watched a video today, it said why most women cheat and the second video about why you always end up with woman who you feel are using you and disrespecting you. And in the video she said, it is because you are too agreeable and not setting your boundaries and choosing to keep peace over fight. I could relate so much with it.
I am starting to see it now and i am connecting the dots from past. Girls say that 'love' is what they want, but what they really want is someone who is more powerful then them.
(This is another thing that's happening to me these days, i have started seeing woman as a different animal, like a race that i am understanding and tagging, i dont like that about me, but it's happening, when i look at women, in my mind, i am trying to imagine and map the complexity of this animal's brain, her behaviour etc and mostly from sexual perspective, i look at her like an animal whose end goal is to chose a partner for sex)
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And now i dont know, if i should be very nice or i should prioritize my self-respect over love. I know that I want the respect, but i cannot be something that i am not to get that. I want to chose love. And it's not like i want to become good with womEn, i just have to be good with one woman. Maybe they can coexist, maybe i can have a little of both. But i have heard many men saying that, in marriage, you have to loose yourself and let go of your ego and pride.
I think i am watching wrong youtube videos. I have tried to stay away from this kind of content which gives non-abstract knowledge, which someone can take literally but i think i slipped somewhere. I have to stop watching these videos.
Although from very fundamental reasoning, i was also asking myself, why do even need to love, why is love so important, i know that i keep praising the love a lot, but Why? If nothing else is important, why love is ? If happiness can be found anywhere, why love ? Why is ram das right ? maybe he is also sharing one biased way of life. Maybe survival of strongest is more real way of living.
Maybe that's where i should listen to my heart and do whatever i feel like.
Problem with that is somedays i don't feel like doing anything. I know that from the reasoning of following your heart, i should not resist myself not willing to do anything also. By completely surrendering to the heart, i feel, i am being impractical. And i am scared that, it can lead to penalty. So, sometimes, i have to conquer my intuition, to force it to do something (which i have been doing actually and most people are doing). Maybe i need to try and reallyyyy really surrender completely to the heart and not worry about being impractical.
I have to have faith that my heart will guide me always, it'll know what i have to do. But i am in this middle state, where i want to follow my heart but i am also scared with world and dont want to be impractical.
Thinking, writing, reading are the only things that makes sense right now....
See you later!
--panda--