April 02, 2024


i wanna go back
to the time i was a child
that i didn’t know what was happening
where the food was lacking
where the police men were killing my uncles
the day i saw my best friend life taken away
the moments i got slipped under my bed
the days were my dad was a
out for us to have food
where i only ate twice
where i didn’t know where i was
i miss my city
my memories
my friends
my culture
it’s not the same
it never was
i want to go back to the place i didn’t know how to tie my shoes

now im 17
17 acting like my scared 14yr old self, to go away and leave my things behind
i never experienced love
or at least i never noticed

i want to be alone
where no one is hearing
burn my pictures
but the sound of the creaking floor is still in the back of my head
mom left me alone with dad and i felt like i was alone
i got into school just because i’m indigenous
half of my friends were killed and i couldn’t do anything.
my punk self got destroyed the day i got what i was dreaming.

i wanna get alone with the man that remind me of the sunny days.
the days i couldn’t hide myself behind my favorite wall.
my first dog.
my first own clothes.
my first phone.
my first flower
my graduation from primary.
the first hug.
the love i never felt.
i wanna go back where i didn’t hide my true self.
i’m so scared still, i wish i could be enough for him to not be afraid of love.
to feel my own music again, to dress and feel poor but happy.
now im stable but i don’t know how to act.
i’m still 14 at heart.
and i hope he loves my scared self as much as he loves the woman that left everything of herself to live better.
i miss it.