Dear Diary,
Today I finished doing something I planned to do since I while ago. Created a spreadsheet with all of my professional network in the US. There were about 50 people in there who had helped me out through conversations, one way or the other. That was a heavily filtered list, but yes, there it was, 50 highest out of the many many people who had helped me out one way or the other... After almost 3 years of being in this country, these were all the people who had put faith in me, my skillsets, and what I could bring to the table.
I only have gratitude to feel.
Made a list of friends to see before leaving, bucket list items to do, it's a very small list though. 2 items, maybe 3 at most. A final party maybe? Maybe?
I'm used to the feelings now. The truth of life is sinking in, I'm not in the honeymoon phase of being in this country. The life ahead is staring at me...
I'm scared sometimes cause I know the type of smart people I'm surrounded by; they're incredible. but I also think - if I don't show the courage to try to learn something and put up a good fight, what's the point of having given up my home life for whatever I thought I was coming here for?
The vision is very clear for me. I'm no longer clouded by rage, or judgement or any of the ill feelings that used to plague me until some time back. The past year has taught me humility to the core.
I have some clarity of what I want to do in the near future, what to work on, what work means for me, how to improve myself...I know how to approach things if I feel stuck, how not to feel helpless, when to ask for help before its too late to learn. How to learn things the right way...Some personality improvement lessons too.
I thank the tough times for teaching me these valuable lessons.
On the personal front,
I was checking out my past classmates profiles on LinkedIn as part of my reminiscence tour. I saw Jakob's profile too, but this time, it was just another person. He was no longer on the pedestal; he was another person, one of these people. Flawed in his own human way.
I reached out to Adriano, Shubham, (maybe will say hi to Albert and Dan too before I leave)...all the nice men I had met on this journey, but I was just too distracted and not in the right mindset to pay attention to. It was nice to just catch up, say hi and have a conversation without any judgement. They're all beautiful people in their own ways. I can see it, and appreciate it. I am ready to move on.
....
I grew up.
Not to contradict my humility statement above by saying this, but I am damn proud of myself. It wasn't an easy journey to this point, but here I am. And it won't be any easier going forward, but you take it one step at a time as Renad says.
Thank you to my family and friends for being by my side.
Life comes in seasons, and I'm ready for the next one.
Love,
M