Today isn't going to be fun. I don't know what I'm going to say, my hands are shaking, my stomach hurts, I can hear my heart in my head, it feels like my entire body is trembling so much that it's gonna crumble.
I hate this so much, it's so stupid. I don't want to feel like this, I HAVENT felt like this, in probably two years.
So stupid. Just because of a conversation.
I don't know how to tell her that I think it's too late for us. I've been by myself for almost ten years, and all of a sudden she expects me to be this involved sister?
I understand, and to be fair it's my fault. I thought I could do it, but I don't have the energy. I feel so guilty about it but she makes me so anxious, I don't want to hurt her, but I just... Fuck.
Where was she when every single one of my siblings left home until i was be myself? Where was she for ten years? Fuck, I can't hold that against her. I wasn't there either, right? And she was figuring out her adult life. But I just want her to understand that... Maybe I don't quite have the strength in me to make the effort today. Maybe five years I could've, but I'm trying to figure out my life now and it's so fucking hard, it's draining, and I don't know if I can handle feeling this anxious every couple of weeks. And that makes me feel so, so, so bad.
She probably thinks it's not that bad. I've never talked to her about it. I think... I just need to tell her what's wrong with me. I need her to understand me as I am now, not as I was ten years ago, because unfortunately, that girl died by my own hand.
I just need to remember that she's my sister, that she loves me, and she's going to try to listen as best she can. I just need to breath.
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