November 12, 2023


Dear Diary,

Haven't been able  to update since I had to uninstall a bunch of stuff and was busy with school. But after our midterms we were rewarded with a week long rest, and then after that we had to deal with intramurals(sports festival) and our duty is to attend and get our activity slip signed. Attendance is still a must, but it still felt like a break.

Okay I stopped writing on October 20.

On October 21 we conducted a community health education for our elective subject. And it was fun, i got to socialize with my groupmates and i even hangout with them after that. As a very shy and introverted person, it felt good to be involved. And also--- on that night (we conducted the health education at night lol cuz we were having our return demo during the day,) On that night I realized that I might be catching feelings for my lesbian classmate...

Well now, November 12, I am pretty sure about it. I have always looked at her since the first day of class but never have I thought that I would be actually falling for her. She still uses she her pronouns but she got this trans masc look and i think it suits her a lot. I have  been thinking about her now and I realized that even tho I was crushing on someone else, I was also unconsciously being mesmerized by her. We had tons of interactions with each other, she is very kind and chill and cool.

Even when the instructor told her that she should wear women's uniform she just responded to it very lightly like okay po maam, no problem. 

You know what really strucked me that night? Everyone was busy giving out snacks to the people who attended our health education and while they were busy doing so I heard a very soft and gentle voice beside me. There I saw Elaine talking to the kids, asking their names, and giving them candies.

Kindness is cool.

Gentleness is cool.

Most men around me would act rude and tough just to be seen as someone cool, and it's sad, I see it as somewhat a try-hard would do. But  with Elaine everything was all natural, and that's what makes her so charming. She doesnt need to show off, it's really her real personality. My heart was pounding and it felt like everyone's actions were fast while I just stare at her and I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN IT WELL IN ENGLISH HAHA.

But yeah, she's manlier than actual men.

Not every men, but unfortunately, most men in our city (especially those who are in criminology course. if you only knew omg)

After that, our leader brought her car so she could drive us to the highway. It was a pickup car and I decided to just sit on the back, and so did she. We were sitting beside each other, other groupmates joined us (Abiah and Jirasol), we decided to stand up and feel the air. It was fun just randomly shouting but jesus...

Huyyy gikilig koo fgegjfhnnghwuies!!!

Okay so uhm. But I think she's starting to get the hint that I have a crush on her.

1. Because of my friends.

It was the first day of intramurals but Nicole and I were strolling inside a mall cuz Jesus Christ, it is very hot outside, it felt like walking inside an oven. So we were just strolling inside a mall cuz it's airconditioned, waiting for our classmates to signal us in the groupchat if it's already time out and we could already get our activity signed. 

We were strolling (I kept saying that) and then we passed through penshoppe and suddenly Nicole shouted "SI ELAINE OH" and POINTED AT HER. She was with her bestfriend Crystal which is also my groupmate and my partner for the ID and IM return demo. They also saw us and waved at us, theyre kind and approachable.

Also this one time that we were on our way to the tricycle stop(?) so we could go home, it was night time and me and my friends(Trixie, Nicole, and Ingrid) were just goofing on the streets singing christmas songs when we saw Elaine and her friends just hanging out outside this small store. When we were about to pass by them Trixie asked me in a teasing manner "Kinsa raguy star sa imong pasko aya?" (Who's the star of your christmas aya?) and Nicole did the same and it was soooooooooooooooooo freaking obvious, I ADMITTED DEFEAT! I HAVE ACCEPTED THAT TIME THAT ELAINE WOULD BE UNCOMFY AROUND ME AND WOULDNT TALK TO ME ANYMORE.

But the opposite happened. My friends kept telling me that maybe Elaine wants to be closer, but I think that she's just testing me, or maybe she's teasing me cuz she knows I have feelings for her.

I'm just aware that I'm not that attractive, especially cuz I have visible scars and facial nerves that dont work well. I'm not normal and I'm not saying that as an edgy wattpad main character, it's true and I wont deny that I think I'm hard to love.

But after that night, she would always get my attention to greet me. And while me and Nicole were sitting in the canteen, she asked if she and Crystal could sit beside us. Again, Nicole was being obvious again, and so was I but that was because Nicole was grinning and I couldnt keep the nonchalant act.

This entry is getting long, I'll just fast forward this and talk more about her in the following entries. 

Last Wednesday was our last interaction, our department was the champion! So they rewarded us with the "Class will resume on Monday" announcement.

After getting my activity slip signed, I went outside the faculty with Ingrid. I accepted that she already went home or hang out outside the school with her friends so I wouldnt be seeing her til monday but as I was fixing my bag... she appeared on top of the stairs and my heart pounded again. 

She stopped and stared at me, I looked away fast but knew that she kept staring cuz of my peripheral vision.

I wanted to just ignore her and appear busy fixing my bag. I dont really think she's into me and I dont want her to feel uncomfy especially cuz my friends are always acting crazy when she's around and I just keep on telling them to stop.

But she still greeted me.







She said Hi Tati

And I was about to reply "I do, father"


i dunno im focusing on uncrushing her or at least lessening my feelings for her, I dont wanna ruin our bond. I dont think she likes me that way. I dont wanna ruin her life cuz well im a mess. I dont wanna make her uncomfy.

But I do like her. She's just... so real.