Dear Diary, Thank god! I did not make myself crazy after him. I thought that maybe finally I'll get the love of my life, I was even ready to be patient for my love life to unfold into a forever of this lifetime. But seeing the pattern, I'm not sure that I'll be out of harm's way.
He told me to make initiative, to call him, text him or whatever & I'm doing it even if everything in me doubts whether I should call or text him or not. I've been making efforts since he told me he needed me to be involved but did he forget that he also has to reciprocate.
So, thank god, that I haven't completely lost my mind this time, that I'm still focused on my career even though I haven't put my best for a few days.
Swear to God, I'm not going to be a crying or depressed mess after him, been there done that!!!
My problem is that I want him to talk to me, but he isn't doing that & I don't know his whereabouts, what he's doing, if he's busy or something or anything!
No I'm not trying to monitor or control his life but I just want him to make me a part of his life & for that I need him to communicate with me. I feel so fucked. I haven't cried in like 4 months & don't wanna change that.
I should've known that this is too good to be true, that universe is playing me again, it is testing me again, sorry universe, even if I'm disappointed & sad about today n yesterday, I'm not going to go party in misery hole. When I left it last time, I left it for good.
& this diwali, I don't even care if bhabhi takes over the things I used to do: rangoli making or garland making or whatever the fuck. I'm just gonna enjoy myself during the festival, get beautiful kinda ready & take photos, lots & lots of them. Because no one effing cares how I feel so I'm just gonna care for it myself!!
The saddest thing I realised today was that when I was going through one of the toughest times of my life, my parents, my own parents cared more about my new sister in law than me, after all she became their daughter as they had said. Well, I can't blame them for anything because they didn't even know that I was suffering so much inside.
But you know, I find it so questionable or something that didn't my family see my face during those 2 years, didn't they see what I saw, the loneliness, the pain, the dejection, even the sadness on my face? Because I know my face is like an open book. It shows when I'm happy, sad, tired or whatever.
But you know what they thought during that phase when I was distancing myself from them so that I don't get hurt anymore watching them happy, that I'm rude, impolite, muh fula kr beth jati he, badtameez, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh...
That fucker broke my heart, he broke my dreams, people were moving forward, they were living the dream I dreamt when we were in college together, the world was moving forward but I was stuck alone nowhere to escape from the darkness.
I thought that I've released myself from the past but I don't know where all these feelings come from. I guess this time reminds me of what happened in the past n inside I feel vulnerable because I don't wanna go through it again, don't wanna cry, don't wanna think & know that they don't love me that much, that they don't need me that much, my own family.
I prayed & begged, I guess my whole life to belong but it never happened even when I thought that maybe I finally belong. I'm meant to be alone & thrive. ❤
I can't stop feeling these feelings so I'm gonna stop here. I'm not going to make shivanshu the center of my world 'cus that's me.
I'll move forward even without him, even if he betrays my feelings this time again.
I prayed to my god that either give me someone who loves me as much as I do & more or do not give me anyone at all.
We'll see. Oh, & I'm not pushing my feelings away this time, it's about... me, myself & I, solo ride until I die, (that's a song I like).