November 05, 2023

 

Dear Diary, I already feel like I'm losing control of my senses again. I really didn't wanna be that person who waits for him & keeps waiting & then gets disappointed when he doesn't text back or talks to you. There's nothing for me to be making up this drama but I've done all this n I don't want to go through that phase again where I know what my triggers are n I'm experiencing them again. 

I know he asked me to take initiative this time, to show him that I can make efforts as well & I'm willing to but not if I'm going to be disappointed. I don't wanna be sad anymore, don't wanna be sad forever. & fuck if I'll ever let anyone make me sad & don't I know how much BS that is. 

My mum just kinda made me sad. Seriously if you wanna joke about how I speak, then laugh or do something after you mimic me. I'm all up to be made fun of but not at all okay to be made to feel like shit. 

I know I'm still sensitive in a petty way, I can't change that, I can stop my reactions but that doesn't mean I'll stop myself from feeling hurt if I feel hurt inside. 

I wanna be a rogue planet does not mean I don't have my own insecurities, does not mean I haven't dealt with the darker side of my life yet. 

I'm grateful to have gone through all that to have become stronger but not that grateful that I wanna go there again.

I've understood how to be grateful for what I have with me in the present than to be desiring n getting antsy n feverish over what I don't have. 


My tummy hurts n all I want rn is cuddles but I don't have anyone to do that with. I'm not liking feeling vulnerable n alone during this time. 


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