Dear Diary,
The ground problem is -
She isn't attracted to me, she said it last year and she said it again when she proposed. (I just couldn't understand it clearly that day in my excitement).
And the thing is i forgot/ignored that part completely and i only remembered that she wanted to marry me.
And that has lead to all this friction i am seeing today.
Everything... She isnt attracted, and so she just doesn't call or doesnt feel like meeting as often as i do and that's why i feel she never reciprocates the things i do for her, because she actually dont feel like doing. She doesn't like me that way. I am a friend, a support at times but she doesn't really desire me. It's true. She is willing to put some effort in the relationship(because she wants that, she wanted to marry), but inherently she donesn't like that. She is probably doing it with logical mindset but it has only little emotional component.
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2 Hours later
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While i was writing this to you, i got a call from Dawrani, It was due. We had to discuss the wedding plan(which i did not work on in last few days, because i was in the conflicting mindset and at some point also thinking about why do i even have to put effort into all this).
Fast forward, he did suggest some better ideas about how i can plan the wedding and i have some actionable items there now. But more importantly, he showed me the bright side of marriage and how i need to zoom out of it and think on a larger scale. He told me how happy he is. And how i will learn so many things on the way from her. How She'll be complementing my life in the years that come. And how i would loose a part of my life without her. And he does understand what i am feeling.
Few of the things were about how we always try to averse the risk and try to hit like 90%, when we can be happy with 60%.
The example of looking at the 11cr flat while sitting in a balcony of a 1cr studio.
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In summary, i think what i wrote above is still probably just my assumptions, she may or may not like me that way today, and i know that i cannot ask her to change. It just doesn't work that way. But there is nothing disappointing about that. I always have to remember the grand scale of the universe and our place in it. And not try to win anything. Everything happens for a reason, we can only understand that looking backwards.
Logically thinking, everything has pros and cons, i always knew it and talked boaut it, but it's during these moments that we forget all the good things and only remember the bad ones. And, i guess we just need a reminder sometimes.
But i must strive to be a better person, be a caring, loving partner. And that i will. I will get better. Be more mature, have more courage and more strength.
And look forward to the life with same excitement i had, be excited about, how life is going to unfold now, How i am going to learn things with her, from her.
And also, stop comparing our relationship with others. But that is a topic for another day.
Cheers 🥂
--- panda ---
❤️