August 19, 2023

I asked him. I told him to answer fast, to tell me what answer goes in his mind first.

"Her."

"She isn't better than you. But she has potential. She's an IF."

it hurts but... I think I can deal with it better than I did before. After many times of failed no contact, I think I still made a tiny bit progress,

Because everytime I go back im reminded of how much of an asshole he really is. Or many he's not and maybe im just driven by negative emotions so as a way to protect myself id wanna see him as a bad guy.

They said to re-read your favorite book or re-watch your favorite movies when youre older because new experiences gives you new perspective in things. Maybe when i can finally treat him like a friend id go back and see or maybe I wouldn't care anymore.

No contact is harder than how I thought it would be. If this was a movie, id also be screaming at myself asking "WHAT'S SO HARD ABOUT CUTTING SOMEONE OFF! HE DOESNT LIKE YOU ANYMORE! GO TO THE SECOND LEAD!"

Well I actually did. Using my stethoscope and the diaphragm as my mic lol. I...used it to talk to myself, to hear myself better. Even tho my ears were hurting I continued to talk, I poured everything, I tried and tried to convince myself and I will continue to do so.

After hearing his answers, after reading the text saying im still special to him the only word that I want to stay with me is the "her" word. Nothing else. Maybe not now.

So I didn't replied, he continued typing. I won't say okay or I won't say enjoy, I just left cuz I don't wanna find myself begging again, and I don't want his words to light up a small hope inside me again.