July 31, 2023


Dear World,

It's been a very long time since my last entry. The last few years has shown me more about life than I realized there was. I started writing on this app when I was 13, I'm 16 now and I've experienced my first love, my first heartbreak, my first abusive relationship. I'm on probation now, which is a very long story. I was smoking a lot of weed and had to stop but I'm glad I did. I've grown up, every few months I remember this app and I read about who I once was before I ever really experienced life. My sister had a baby, and I'm still in love with the same first love, though I think that will always be there. I have bpd and Im a ruiner in all forms unless I'm alone. But I'm happy atleast, I'm no longer insecure and I'm aware how gently you have to love something for it to stay. My mother is my most cherished and crippling memory. I wish I appreciated her more over the years. The time I wasted with my heart full of hate. And my little sister, who's 13 now is living with my dad for a year in another state, that was the hardest goodbye. I won't hear her coming home from school or her being a butthead to everyone. My brother talks to me sometimes but it's not as much as id like, he tells me things that excite him and sometimes I hate myself for how mean i can be. My dad is disappointed in me and I just wish he understood good much I love him. I have over 60 tattoos and I miss when I could see skin. I traded one self harm for another. I'm almost graduated tho which is better than I was doing a year ago, I had dropped out middle of 9th grade, I had been falling miserabley anyways and I had severe depression. I didn't even go to 10th, but after I got on probation I had to go to school and I'm so proud of myself. I do not write this for you strangers anymore, I write it for fire me or anyone who needs to hear it. It will get better, love yourself and take time to learn and grown. All beautiful things take time. Be comfortable in your skin, it holds who you are and the moment you can love it you will be at peace with your post pain. Everything happens for a reason.

- Chloe <3