Dear Diary,
Sometimes how important it is just to take life lightly, to not take it upon yourself.
I am finding myself using it more often now since i first came across this.
Last week has been quiet a fast week. I worked and worked, Almost everyday i slept at 4. Not making a lot of progress, but things just took more time as it is so usual in my case.
But i am getting better, i am having a better attitude about this work now. I see myself growing in a way.
Right now, i am on my desk, i have kept the lamp on the desk, and the buddha idol also in the corner of the table from where it is always in my sight, sipping my chai, the gate is open, i can hear the sound of the leaves of the neem tree and the same wind is reaching to me in small quantas. Tonight's playlist is slow hindi romantic.
I have work but have decided to not think about it right now. I am getting really good at completely shutting off my brain about something i dont want to think about, i think it probably isnt very difficult for others as well.
I am excited about the weekend, its self investment time, i'll probably watch a spanish movie, and make more progress on spanish. Although i am making streak on duolingo, buit recently all my focus has been to just retain the streak and not really learning much. Tmrw, I will spend time on that. I'll also start a new book. I'll jog, I'll dance, I'll read my birthday note again.
While i am writing to you, there is this thing, it keeps coming to mind. I imagine myself getting mad, angry, saying things i dont ever want to say, but i can so feel like these are just under my throat. they keep coming up and i keep silencing them.
I feel like saying to her, that... that...
I am sure, god/life has lessons to teach us all, these is a never ending process, it prepares us, mould us, make us, and somehow everything is leading us to where we are supposed to reach. To become what we are supposed to become.
I want to be like my dad and remain like him. A good man till the end. I'll do whatever good i can but will not worry about what i cannot do.
At times, the difficult is part is to accept that you dont always get what you give. Or maybe we get it some other forms, but we always kind of cry for what we don't get, i know that life said to me that you wont get everything you desire. Truth, just a little hard to accept until you learn to do so... i am yet to learn.
Last night, before sleeping, i was think of JJ, i scrolled our chat, saw photos, had water in my eyes and my heart weighed a pound more. Don't get me wrong, I don't have regret or doubt about what i chose. Not even a little.
I know that this is my destiny, But I have grief of loosing a friend. And the reason i have tears in my eyes right now is because i i wanted to be a light in her life but i ended up doing...what...I dont have words for this little pain in my throat.
Goodnight
--panda--
❤️