July 15, 2023

 

Dear Diary, it's one of those nights where I feel especially lonely and like I'm missing out on something big that everyone else has experienced, or at least knows they will at some point. I feel so far behind, and it makes me worried that I will be too far gone to actually experience something meaningful, even though it's all I want out of life. How are there people who can maintain multiple relationships at once, when I am here never having had a single one at an adult age? I'm sure I could if I only tried harder, but I just can't seem to find it in me. I'm too scared of the possibilities, the endless possibilities, of going on a date and having a terrible time, feeling bad because I technically brought it on them, or feeling pressured to make it look better than it is for their sake, then having to deal with the aftermath. But the optimism is also hard to ignore. What if I'm missing out on the love of my life, and could be with them right now, if not for my unending social awkwardness? I know I'm not the only person that struggles with this, but then I think about how I'd always convinced myself that my past crushes may have just been too shy to say anything, but then they'd always end up asking someone else out not long after. Clearly, it's just me. But I can't go down that rabbit hole, because I'm scared of the deep, unsettling insecurities that surely lay there. I'm even more scared of what might happen, and the responsibilities I may face, if I was actually to get into a relationship. Not that I wouldn't want to participate, but the sheer uncertainty and lack of experience/knowledge would make me feel so bad and like I was inconveniencing them, that it might be too difficult to bear. But then it will only get worse the longer I go without going through it all for the first time. Why is it so hard? No one else seems to struggle so much. Then there's the case of actually having to find someone I would like to date and feel I could be happy with. Hearing everything currently going on in the modern dating scene doesn't make me very optimistic, but I do see the rare person talking about how they want the same things, but it's a matter of finding that needle in the haystack that doesn't seem very likely and makes me even more scared to start trying. I don't intend to start casually dating in attempt to find that person, even if I could find it within myself to do so, because I know it would make me more stressed. I feel like people forget the people they are talking to are also people, with their own feelings to take into account, but I don't want to be the person who focuses too much on trying to make sure the other person doesn't get hurt, inadvertently hurting them even more in the process, when they find out you don't feel the same way. I also worry how people get more and more hurt from others and become all the same, making it more difficult to find someone when I do finally get the courage to join the dating pool, if it ever happens, since I don't want to willingly give myself up to be treated horribly, although it seems inevitable if I want to be proactive enough. But I am so lonely. I really want to experience that, what I imagine to be, warm feeling of cuddling and being the most important person to someone else, also being able to make someone else so happy with the smallest, genuine acts because of your sincere value to each other. It seems so beautiful from a third perspective, but I'm concerned that it's too naive to expect this straight away, which makes me pull back further. I want to be one of those people that can claim they've never experienced a break-up and have been with their high school sweetheart or partner for however many years, though that ship must have sailed by now. I must be the rule, not the exception. I want someone to share my feelings with, to share new experiences, to feel closer with than anyone else I know. I keep imagining it in my head, but it's difficult with no actual imagery in place, so I instead utilise past/present crushes or any boy's face I can remember, which makes me feel even worse because they didn't consent to that, even if what I'm thinking about is completely harmless, and that is likely not their real self, just something I've conjured up, and I would hate to disappoint myself with the reality, especially because I find myself so easily disappointed with near anything in my life. Though I know I should be more grateful.

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