June 10, 2023

I'm hurting so much again because of lack of a girlfriend, it's basically all I can think about. I want to finally be able to hug a girl for once, finally be able to touch one. Its never going to happen though I'm completely stuck and out of ideas. Even if I knew something I could go to, no girl there would ever even come close to considering to like me. Nobody ever likes me in a romantic way and I just hate how we men are expected to act just to find someone. We can never just have someone like us for being ourselves. We have to be super funny or interesting. But then we are also not supposed to deceive women. I mean I agree with that, but what are we supposed to do? Nobody ever just likes us. No girl just gets to know you and asks you out for dates, or asks for hugs or anything. It's all completely one sided but we are still evil for doing anything even if we are supposed to.

I wish I knew a girl next door type girl so much, someone who is just there and who already knows me. But these types of girls only exist when you are younger, they just disappear when they turn 21 or something to live somewhere else. I wish there was some sense of community between men and women that you would just get to know each other naturally. But that also just seems to exist when you are a kid going to school together. Yet Dating is supposed to be for adults. But all the activities adults do dont make for good ways to get to know people. Our attitudes also arent as open as they used to.

This week I went to the cinema twice with Spike. Once in Across the Spiderverse and the other time for Shin Ultraman at the japanese filmfestival. It was nice, we had some good talks, I wasnt too awakward and was actually able to just joke around. But its still pretty clear we are never going to be more than friends. I can just feel that she doesnt really go out of her way to see me again. And thats only natural of course. Thats always how it is. And it would be fine if there were a lot of intelligent geeky women you could just meet. But there arent, it's super difficult to find them and actually do something with them.

It's all so sad, but I was glad I could hang out with someone. It would be so great if I had a girlfriend and we could watch anime right now, play games go to events outside... 

But there is no natural connection between men and women that would allow that. Sexual things are even more out of the question. And women wonder why men like porn and go to prostitutes, when it's pretty obvious thats the only way we can ever actually see women being enthusiastic about men.