Dear Diary, thought I'd write again just so anybody who wonders whats going on with me knows. Like always there isn't much going on with me. I'm mostly fretting and procrastinating about my Masterthesis. I actually started working on it in march and got about 1/4 of what you have to do (5000) words. Thats the one positive. But I stopped working on it in April, since I wanted to talk to the professor about it. The problem is that I'm deathly afraid to talk to the guy. Last time I talked to him last year and we said that I would give him my table of contents in Winter, which obviously I didnt do. That doesnt really matter that much, I dont think he will care when exactly I do this, but it makes me really afraid. Also when we talked last time he wasnt that enthusiastic about my subject. I want to write about how old japanese aesthetics like Mono no Aware and Yugen still influence modern Manga and Anime, especially those with postapocalyptic themes. Obviously thats a very popcultural topic and he is more of a classical German literature guy. He said it was ok though. But he didnt exactly look thrilled. Aaaah I've been procrastinating on talking to him for so long I need to do it :( because I need register my thesis so I have the motivation to finish writing it. Also I've been really sluggish in doing research for it, because I dont really enjoy writing academically to be honest, its always a lot of stress. And I dont know what I will do after I got my master, thats another reason why I dont really want to stop being a student. Its my fault for picking a subject that doesnt have much practical value, but I also dont think I should have picked something I wouldnt enjoy at all. Idk I'm an intelligent guy but there seems to be no place for me to do anything unless I pick one of the 5 careers that society deems useful (Business, Medicine, Stem, Law and Craftsman) I just hate the working world, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.
So yeah I have to write a thesis about the end of the world, when I don't enjoy writing, for a guy who doesnt want to read it in order to get a degree that wont get me much. But at least I will have something to show for myself and thats why Im still gonna do it.
My only little bit of other motivation is that Spike said that she really loves the subject of my thesis. So at least maybe I will be able to show it to her and be proud of it. Speaking of her she is the main subject of my hopefulness towards getting a girlfriend again. Not that there is much.
She just wrote her bachelor thesis which she was also deeply depressed about. She kept kinda joking about it, but I think it must have been much worse in private. The others from that little tutorial we had in the winter and me kept reassuring her, but I dont know if we could do that much. She said it helped her though. She also was afraid that the email she sent it at the end got lost and that it was really bad of course. But last week she got the result amd she got a 1.0. I'm really happy for her but it also makes me afraid that my master thesis will be worse and she will think I'm not worth it somehow. It's stupid my own BA was 1.3 and in my master I only had 1.0 so far. But with how much I'm struggling with the thesis now I'm not really sure. Well not that I have that much to offer in general, I'm a freaking loser, almost 30 who has no idea what to do in life. She is also struggling though. She ended up exmatriculatin before she got the result which you shouldnt do. It made some trouble. Now she is between BA and MA. She wants to start MA in winter. At first she said she wanted to work but she probably noticed how hard it is to find something in our line of studies and decided to do an MA, just like me haha. Now she is doing an internship as a socialmedia manager. She says she has no idea about how to do Tiktoks, but now she has to figure it out... For a while it also looked like she is going to move to Berlin, but now she will stay in the city here. Of course I'm happy about that, but back when she said she was looking to move to Berlin I was still supportive. Really I just want her to be happy and theres probably not going to be anything between us anyway. Her brother also lives in Berlin and I know he is important to her.
But with her living here I have that vision in my mind again of being able to just visit her at home and we would watch some anime and cuddle. I just want a hug so bad.
Last week we met twice but each time with other friends. First on sunday we had planned to see Beau is Afraid which she wanted to see. She ended up only staying for dinner though, since the next day was her first day at the internship. The movie would have been to long. That was a shame, because the movie was quite bizarre and I would have loved to hear her opinion and reaction on it. I understand why she couldnt though.
The next day we went to see a movie again though, at the uni cinema. The movie was called Beyond the Infinite Two Minutes and was my suggestion. It was really good too which I'm glad about. We talked about her first day which was quite stressfull unfortunately. It started to rain at some point and she asked me if I had an umbrella. I said yes but she must have heard no. She said she would escort me to the station with her umbrella, which was quite sweet. It reminded me of how she once talked about us going to Japan together. She said that she would feel bad because she would be so much taller than the average Japanese. I said, well what am I supposed to say I'm even taller. And thats when she said well we could go together and then she wouldnt seem so tall next to me. Last sunday she also mentioned how tall I was when we had a light hug to say bye. I wish I would be able to say something smooth in those situations. I just said that I could get to lower ground, so we could be at eye level.
But I thought maybe her mentioning stuff like that is a good sign. She also never mentioned a boyfriend so I dont think she has one. Next we will probably see each other at the Japanese film festival or an uni event for writers that she invited us to. Maybe I will suggest a movie before then though.
Knight was also there btw. She brought a really smooth guy called Max. He brought popcorn for him and her to eat and was way better at joking around with her than I ever was. Spike also seemed to know him, he edited a shortstory she once did for that writersjournal. I dont know if there is anything between that Max guy and Knight, but if so I'm happy for them. If I had to guess then he probably sees her as a possible candidate for dating, but she just sees him as a friend. Cant really see Knight having a boyfriend at all. He is doing way better than me though. I just hope he didnt make me look boring in comparison for Spike. Oh well.
I'm gonna watch Trigun now since Spike is quite obsessed with it right now and I want to talk with het about it.
Bye Bye
wish me luck that I somehow manage to do that thesis.