Dear No one,
I don't think I ever believe in 'love'. Maybe it do happens to some people but I doubt it will be the same for me. I am currently in a relationship but I feel estrange from love more than ever. It's like I am only playing a part, a role to play. Don't get me wrong, I do care for him, I do miss him, and I sometimes cry for him but not as much to say that I really love him. Maybe another fact that he is mostly awful to me, saying rude words and degrading whenever he's mad. I can't really trust him and I don't think it's love that we have for each other. He wants so much, selfishly, while on the other hand, I am unwilling to give more than I permit, selfish in a way. I don't know how love works but it is definitely not working for me. I always thought that I am better alone, at least I am only making troubles on my own, without someone whom I have to constantly put myself with and satisfy his own ego. I know for a fact that I am not cut out to please anyone, and I guess when you love, you have to put an effort for them to feel that love and honestly, it is nothing but an obligation for me. It was never genuine. Maybe there's something wrong with me. But I just know for myself that I cannot really give a love that one deserves, more specifically for my partner. I know I would hate them secretly and wish to end things but I am too coward to actually take the matters up front. I guess I am that kind of person who will just disappear completely without saying anything. Heck I've ghosted so many people in my life. Entering into relationships proves me strongly about my stand on love. I'd rather be my own, will always choose to be alone... Yet here I am now, again. I am only wanting to see how far it will last though, so I am staying. If they want to stay with me, why not? I would too. But if they want to go, then so be it. But everything is just for show, for me to see if there's a litte hope for me, but I guess not.
I know I am cold, I hate myself, and I am unwilling but I don't deserve to be treated like shit too.
But I am also afraid that no matter how much love they give to me, I can never reciprocate it or worse will never trust and accept it.
Hays.